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I suppose I should fill in some blanks regarding M.
On Monday night, M came over to watch Garden State with me...Actually, I don't care to rehash this so I will summarize as best I can.
Most, if not all, of my torment can be expressed using a quote from Joel Berish of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

During a party on Saturday, December 17, M and I had a very long conversation. As the party-goers left, passed out, M and I were left in a drunken haze. She wanted someone to talk to. I obliged.
I had seen M on previous occasions but had never really talked to her. We spent all night, morning and afternoon (we stayed up all nite) talking about anything and everything. It was a memorable nite to say the least.
We stayed in touch via email and IM (during which I confessed too much, apparently) until I saw her again on New Year's Eve. We drank. We talked. There was some physical contact. It was nice. Very nice. Very safe.
So on Monday M comes over to watch Garden State with me. Again there was some light physical contact and it all felt very safe, very warm, very nice. Then came the
"scripted...selfish...mean...superficial" comments and the decision that we shouldn't do "this" anymore because "we're just friends." One thing you should understand: Up until that point we seemed to share the idea that we felt "something" between us. Her decision to be "just friends" didn't sit well with me for obvious reasons but I reluctantly accepted it (as if I had a choice).
Then comes the "she said" post (she left the anonymous comment btw). She was upset with the post because she felt it was all taken out of context.
So we're discussing (via IM) the post when I bring up the "just friends" issue. My view was that if we both felt "something" then why not explore it? She basically responds with "it was all a drunken misunderstanding." Even though we had discussed this "something" during states of sobriety, it was all a big "misunderstanding." Through emails, IMs, conversations and a few posts on this blog I made my feelings for her perfectly clear. I spilled my fucking guts to that girl and all the while she took it all in - all the while knowing all she wanted was some "drunken attention."
I think about all the things I said, the things I confessed to her and I feel like a fool. So vulnerable. So fucking vulnerable.

I'm trying really hard to accept what she said last night. It cut me to the brittle bone. My trust in others was anemic before her but now it has been totally decimated. I have no desire to see her again...No desire to talk to her again...That's about all I can say...

mc
("...And I will stand by all this drinking if it helps me through these days/It takes a long time just to get this all straight..." Interpol's "Obstacle 2")