26 July 2005

disrupted?

feeling uneasy...anxiety...something has been disrupted (or so it seems)...i wonder if everything is okay with family...too scared to call mom to see if my premonition is correct...it doesn't matter anyway...if something is broken i will find out soon enough...knowing means nothing because knowing changes nothing...what will be, will be....it is what it is........

mc

25 July 2005

bigDumbAlien

Friday - nothing
Saturday - odawas show at second story...too much drink
Sunday - scary hangover
Monday - fallout

so dave and kelly come down to go to the odawas show at second story. it was cool of them to come down. as the night went on it became abundantly clear to me .......fuck it...i don’t know what the hell i’m talking about....i’m so full of shit and so fucking helpless. we’re all helpless. i guess the trick it to look like you have control of your shit and look good while doing it. kelly seems to be a great girl and i don’t know if i will ever know what it is like to be in the presence (and heart, mind) of someone like that. there were some moments Friday nite where i felt like a big dumb alien.....from a distance it looked like a good looking couple with some blurry faced freak being shown the ins and outs of life on earth.....like the fucking elephant man or something. but i’m caring less and less.....my theory of self is developing, evolving into a premise of: this is me, this is who i am, and i do not care. i don’t know...maybe all of these theories are like most everything else...bullshit. there are some of us who are fucked, fragile pieces of flesh. we wake up every day and try to apply a new theory/approach to deal with who we are and the world we live in. we do this for days, weeks, years but are oblivious to the one fact that glares at us like our own dumb reflection: none of these theories work. so why cant i simply BE? why cant i be like the tree in the forest and simply exist? i suppose i achieve this level existence from time to time but a bulk of my waking moments are occupied with being disappointed/depressed and trying to achieve more or gain some ground or something. but all i want is love. i want to share my space in my corner of the world with someone and LIVE....BE.....FIGHT....FUCK.. ..LOVE...SHARE......CREATE......EXPLODE.....TOUCH. so much and so little (and so far away). i’m reminded of the scene from born on the 4th of July in which ron kovic breaks down and asks, “who’s going to love me? who’s ever going to love me?” different cripples....same sentiment.

mc

18 July 2005

dream and a heart (racing)

not much time...not much energy....but i wanted to record a disturbing dream i had last nite...{{a second consecutive space shuttle launch ends in tragedy...space shuttle discovery encounters problems shortly after takeoff and explodes...in this dream i was an astronaut on the shuttle....hurried atmosphere as i was boarding the shuttle for takeoff....things were happening too fast....the disintegration/explosion was very real and vivid....very disturbing....i awoke short of breath with fast heart}}

mc

16 July 2005

"good" night

today was a good day until i received word of my sister. apparently she was involved in an accident on July 7th in which her car was totaled (she was uninjured)....and she blew a .08 and spent the night in jail for DUI. she told mom earlier tonight and then mom relayed the news to me. i find it a little odd that she waited more than a week before she told mom....but i think she understands the amount of stress and consternation she has caused all of us and decided to blunt the impact of the news by waiting. apparently she pled guilty to the DUI and was sentenced to a year’s probation with a one-year suspended license. her car is a total loss and she “says” her insurance will cover it but i find that hard to believe since she was under the influence, but we shall see.
growing up in suburbia, and in denial, apparently, seems so strange. as a child i had this image of my family that was completely false. mom and dad divorce when i’m 13. mom remarries way too soon (in my opinion). becomes (borderline? or is this denial striking again?) alcoholic. early to mid-20's and i begin cracking. sister becomes a mess.......and what else? this is another topic that i need to expand upon but i’m lacking sufficient energy at this time....”good” night

mc

13 July 2005

I AM SOMEONE/SOMETHING REAL

flipping through 70+ channels of bullshit....scanning the many profiles of fellow bloggers...what a world we live in. i get an interesting, almost giddy, feeling when i am browsing through the many faces of other bloggers. you see this person’s face, a person you have never seen before and will probably never meet in-person, and realize that this is not a character on some bullshit sitcom, not some inflated ego of reality television...this is a person who has/had a mother, a father, perhaps friends....a life so different from your own...and this person exists in his/her own corner of the world...and they are all there at the click of a mouse. i wonder how many have come across my own profile and if they have been filled with the same feelings after taking a glimpse into the life of a stranger...into my life. and why do we (meaning bloggers) post our feelings and thoughts on these “pages?” i suppose it is the same reason we have our photographs taken....to prove that we once existed....that we/were something real....some of us are shouting out loud with mouths parallel to the sky, “I AM HERE....DOES ANYONE CARE TO NOTICE ME...I AM A HUMAN BEING AND I HAVE FEELINGS, DESIRES...I AM NOT SIMPLY AN IMAGE...I AM FLESH....I AM BLOOD....I AM ME ----- AND I AM REAL.”

mc

12 July 2005

outside is rain

outside is rain....i don’t think it is a coincidence that i have always enjoyed weather that others might lable as “dreary” or “depressing.” going to bed earlier than usual....staying in bed until the late afternoon, early evening....i do not enjoy days off from work...too much time to sit around and think. i used to think that i subconsciously “enjoyed” being depressed because i thought there was something “fashionable” about it. i know that there are some, if not many, who feel this way. i guess i do not believe in the state of “depression.” you are what you are and some avoid this. i try not to get too happy or too unhappy because i realize that these emotions are human and don’t really exist in the grand scheme of things. i suppose its similar to the expression of “if a tree falls in the forest and there was no one there to hear it, does it make a sound.” if you can remove yourself from yourself than you will find that nothing good happens to anyone and nothing bad happens to anyone.....things just happen. we are the ones that put labels and emotions to these events. i’m sure months from now i will read this post again and say, “jesus, what a pretentious, self-righteous asshole,” but oh well, i’ve believed in the “things just happen” approach for quite some time. i could probably sit here for the next several hours and type experience after experience that would provide a map as to how i have reached this state, level of being, what have you. but i don’t have the energy now so in the meantime i will list some things that i will try to touch upon in the near-future-blog.
1) how dealing with my sister’s bout of junkiedom reenforced my belief of “things just happen”
2) how believing in god can cause more heartache and emotional damage for those coping with traumatic events (death, loss, etc)
3) explore a recent vision: “innocence wont protect you” i still cling to a piece of innocence from my youth...hanging on maybe because there is clearly a larger, darker part of my being that wasn’t as loud in my days of youth...or was it there at all?

also very angry at myself.....if i don’t want to do something or if i have reservations then the answer will be “no.” i don’t give a fuck about the “image” that that kind of mindset portrays...if i had followed this line of thought i wouldnt be in the situation that i now find myself in at work. motherfucker

mc

11 July 2005

image farm




















<

the first post (exorcizing demons)

the first post...this inaugural post finds me confused, lost....lately my thoughts have been a bit worrisome. I haven’t been “depressed” in quite some time but it seems the darkness has returned after a long absence. so alone...most of my “friends” live at least an hour away and rarely call and never visit. if I don’t visit I at least give the periodic phone call to see what’s going on but this gesture is hardly ever returned. Last nite I searched yahoo for other females that live in my area. Just wanted some conversation and with conversation comes hope...maybe she would like my pic and maybe we could get together for some coffee and conversation but no....she seemed extremely uninterested in my IMs (guess I really can’t blame her after all) and ended up feeling like a fool. So hard for me to interact with other people even on-line. Most of the people you chat with online you will never meet but, for some reason, it’s still awkward. I’m so introverted that I really don’t think I will ever meet that “special girl” or whatever....I’m not even sure what to say....how I long for the simple touch of another female....her fingertips skating across my skin....an ecstacy that surpasses any and everything sexual....but this is not to be. The few “relationships” ( I suppose it’s bold to even call them relationships, but whatever) I’ve been in have been short and ultimately pointless since I don’t even speak to any of them anymore. Laura broke my heart and I hate the fact that I still think about her but she was the first girl that I had a deep interest in because we had many things in common....lost my virginity to her...suppose that is why her ghost still hurts me today.....I moved back to my hometown (she was hooked on all kinds of shit) for a year or so then moved back here to find her off the coke and pills...had some hope we might be able to hang out but she didnt seem to want to have anything to do with me. Last time I spoke with her (probably two years ago) she was preparing to move to TX to attend grad school or something....even though I know she is long gone I still find myself doing a double-take whenever I see a car similar to hers on the street...sad I know....but we hang onto whatever we have from the days that filled us with (perceived) joy..............amazing to me how much time we spend on pointless shit in our day-to-day lives...how many hours we spend on the web looking up nothing, which leads us to nothing and so on......I suppose I still have some hope of meeting “her” but I don’t know how it will happen. I rarely leave the house and when I do leave to go to a bar/nightclub/whatever I go alone and most girls get creeped out by the “loner” who is standing there all alone drinking a beer, waiting for the next band to hit the stage. All I know is this...if my mom, dad, and sister were gone I would have offed myself a long time ago...sometimes this vision comes to me....something happens to me and those that know me (my friends) are in shock because they “had no idea” what was going on with me and then feel like shit for being such assholes.....and no I don’t believe in the “forgive and forget” cliche...you fuck me over then you’re practically dead to me.....it’s unfortunate that this post has turned so ugly but hopefully this blog will provide some kind of therapeutic value...there are always demons that need to be exorcized.
mc