28 March 2008

an excerpt from chuck palahniuk's diary

When they were in school, Peter used to say that everything you do is a self-portrait. It might look like Saint George and the Dragon or The Rape of the Sabine Women, but the angle you use, the lighting, the composition, the technique, they're all you. Even the reason why you chose this scene, it's you. You are every color and brushstroke.

Peter used to say, "The only thing an artist can do is describe his own face."

You're doomed to being you.

This, he says, leaves us free to draw anything, since we're only drawing ourselves.

Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand.

Everything is a self-portrait.

Everything is a diary. . . .

Peter used to say that an artist's job is to make order out of chaos. You collect details, look for a pattern, and organize. You make sense out of senseless facts. You puzzle together bits of everything. You shuffle and reorganize. Collage. Montage. Assemble. . . .

"These useless details," Peter used to say, "they're only useless until you connect them all together.

Peter used to say, "Everything is nothing by itself."

from Chuck Palahniuk's Diary

20 March 2008

excused absence

It's been several weeks since I have written about myself. Lately, this blog has been littered with fluff -- news stories that are readily available at any major news site. I never intended to transform this space into a news blog.

This blog is supposed to be about me. My struggles. My triumphs. My fictional pieces. My poetry. My life.

So where have I been?

The demons have forced me into hiding.

The past few months have been difficult. Dark. And at times, terrifying. My Cyclothymia has been out of control, which is the nature of the dreaded beast, but the past several weeks have been particularly volatile.

(According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Cyclothymic Disorder is a "chronic, fluctuating mood disturbance involving numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods of depressive symptoms . . . Cyclothymic Disorder usually has an insidious onset and a chronic course. There is a 15-50% risk that the person will subsequently develop Bipolar I or II Disorder.")

In short, practically every day of my life is a roller coaster of emotions. One minute, I'm filled with an abundance of energy and literally 40 minutes later (the length of time varies) everything turns upside down. I'm no longer a giddy individual riding the wave of a euphoric high; I've become a fatalistic beast of despondency -- a creature crippled by thoughts of hopelessness, disgust, anger, sadness and suicide. I want to reiterate that I wage this battle with myself virtually every day. And the darkness always triumphs.

"Why did you stop taking the meds your psychiatrist prescribed? The pills provided a solution you desperately needed."

I could launch into a lengthy diatribe about psychiatric medications -- and the entire pharmaceutical industry, for that matter -- but, because of my current mental state, I lack the energy to do so. However, I will state this: the meds robbed me of my creativity (which I'm finally regaining). The therapeutic value of expressing one's self through art cannot be understated. If I'm robbed of the gift of artistic expression, life loses its purpose and I am nothing.

Good night and good luck.

xx

11 March 2008

Rx in your H2O

Prescription Drugs Found in Drinking Water Across the Country

(AP) -- A vast array of pharmaceuticals -- including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones -- have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans, an Associated Press investigation shows.

To be sure, the concentrations of these pharmaceuticals are tiny, measured in quantities of parts per billion or trillion, far below the levels of a medical dose. Also, utilities insist their water is safe.

But the presence of so many prescription drugs -- and over-the-counter medicines like acetaminophen and ibuprofen -- in so much of our drinking water is heightening worries among scientists of long-term consequences to human health.

In the course of a five-month inquiry, the AP discovered that drugs have been detected in the drinking water supplies of 24 major metropolitan areas -- from Southern California to Northern New Jersey, from Detroit, Michigan, to Louisville, Kentucky.

Water providers rarely disclose results of pharmaceutical screenings, unless pressed, the AP found. For example, the head of a group representing major California suppliers said the public "doesn't know how to interpret the information" and might be unduly alarmed.

How do the drugs get into the water?

People take pills. Their bodies absorb some of the medication, but the rest of it passes through and is flushed down the toilet. The wastewater is treated before it is discharged into reservoirs, rivers or lakes. Then, some of the water is cleansed again at drinking water treatment plants and piped to consumers. But most treatments do not remove all drug residue.

And while researchers do not yet understand the exact risks from decades of persistent exposure to random combinations of low levels of pharmaceuticals, recent studies -- which have gone virtually unnoticed by the general public -- have found alarming effects on human cells and wildlife.

A 'growing concern'

"We recognize it is a growing concern and we're taking it very seriously," said Benjamin H. Grumbles, assistant administrator for water at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

Members of the AP National Investigative Team reviewed hundreds of scientific reports, analyzed federal drinking water databases, visited environmental study sites and treatment plants and interviewed more than 230 officials, academics and scientists.

They also surveyed the nation's 50 largest cities and a dozen other major water providers, as well as smaller community water providers in all 50 states.

Here are some of the key test results obtained by the AP:

+ Officials in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, said testing there discovered 56 pharmaceuticals or byproducts in treated drinking water, including medicines for pain, infection, high cholesterol, asthma, epilepsy, mental illness and heart problems. Sixty-three pharmaceuticals or byproducts were found in the city's watersheds.

+ Anti-epileptic and anti-anxiety medications were detected in a portion of the treated drinking water for 18.5 million people in Southern California.

+ Researchers at the U.S. Geological Survey analyzed a Passaic Valley Water Commission drinking water treatment plant, which serves 850,000 people in Northern New Jersey, and found a metabolized angina medicine and the mood-stabilizing carbamazepine in drinking water.

+ A sex hormone was detected in the drinking water of San Francisco, California.

+ The drinking water for Washington, D.C., and surrounding areas tested positive for six pharmaceuticals.

The situation is undoubtedly worse than suggested by the positive test results in the major population centers documented by the AP.

Testing not required

The federal government doesn't require any testing and hasn't set safety limits for drugs in water.

Of the 62 major water providers contacted, the drinking water for only 28 was tested. Among the 34 that haven't: Houston, Texas; Chicago, Illinois; Miami, Florida; Baltimore, Maryland; Phoenix, Arizona; Boston, Massachusetts; and New York City's Department of Environmental Protection, which delivers water to 9 million people.

Some providers screen for only one or two pharmaceuticals, leaving open the possibility that others are present.

The AP's investigation also indicates that watersheds, the natural sources of most of the nation's water supply, also are contaminated. Tests were conducted in the watersheds of 35 of the 62 major providers surveyed by the AP, and pharmaceuticals were detected in 28.

Yet officials in six of those 28 metropolitan areas said they did not go on to test their drinking water -- Fairfax, Virginia; Montgomery County in Maryland; Omaha, Nebraska; Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; Santa Clara, California; and New York City.

The New York state health department and the USGS tested the source of the city's water, upstate. They found trace concentrations of heart medicine, infection fighters, estrogen, anti-convulsants, a mood stabilizer and a tranquilizer.

City water officials declined repeated requests for an interview. In a statement, they insisted that "New York City's drinking water continues to meet all federal and state regulations regarding drinking water quality in the watershed and the distribution system" -- regulations that do not address trace pharmaceuticals.

In several cases, officials at municipal or regional water providers told the AP that pharmaceuticals had not been detected, but the AP obtained the results of tests conducted by independent researchers that showed otherwise.

Of the 28 major metropolitan areas where tests were performed on drinking water supplies, only Albuquerque, New Mexico; Austin, Texas; and Virginia Beach, Virginia, said tests were negative. The drinking water in Dallas, Texas, has been tested, but officials are awaiting results. Arlington, Texas, acknowledged that traces of a pharmaceutical were detected in its drinking water but cited post-9/11 security concerns in refusing to identify the drug.

The AP also contacted 52 small water providers -- one in each state, and two each in Missouri and Texas -- that serve communities with populations around 25,000. All but one said their drinking water had not been screened for pharmaceuticals; officials in Emporia, Kansas, refused to answer AP's questions, also citing post-9/11 issues.

Rural, bottled water also unchecked

Rural consumers who draw water from their own wells aren't in the clear either, experts say.

Even users of bottled water and home filtration systems don't necessarily avoid exposure. Bottlers, some of which simply repackage tap water, do not typically treat or test for pharmaceuticals, according to the industry's main trade group. The same goes for the makers of home filtration systems.

Contamination is not confined to the United States. More than 100 different pharmaceuticals have been detected in lakes, rivers, reservoirs and streams throughout the world. Studies have detected pharmaceuticals in waters throughout Asia, Australia, Canada and Europe -- even in Swiss lakes and the North Sea.

In the United States, the problem isn't confined to surface waters. Pharmaceuticals also permeate aquifers deep underground, the source of 40 percent of the nation's water supply. Federal scientists who drew water in 24 states from aquifers near contaminant sources such as landfills and animal feed lots found minuscule levels of hormones, antibiotics and other drugs.

Perhaps it's because Americans have been taking drugs -- and flushing them unmetabolized or unused -- in growing amounts. Over the past five years, the number of U.S. drug prescriptions rose 12 percent to a record 3.7 billion, while nonprescription drug purchases held steady around 3.3 billion, according to IMS Health and The Nielsen Co.

Medications not all absorbed

"People think that if they take a medication, their body absorbs it and it disappears, but of course that's not the case," said EPA scientist Christian Daughton, one of the first to draw attention to the issue of pharmaceuticals in water in the United States.

Some drugs, including widely used cholesterol fighters, tranquilizers and anti-epileptic medications, resist modern drinking water and wastewater treatment processes. Plus, the EPA says there are no sewage treatment systems specifically engineered to remove pharmaceuticals.

Veterinary drugs also play a role. Pets are now treated for a wide range of ailments -- sometimes with the same drugs as humans. The inflation-adjusted value of veterinary drugs rose by 8 percent, to $5.2 billion, over the past five years, according to an analysis of data from the Animal Health Institute.

Ask the pharmaceutical industry whether the contamination of water supplies is a problem, and officials will tell you no.

"Based on what we now know, I would say we find there's little or no risk from pharmaceuticals in the environment to human health," said microbiologist Thomas White, a consultant for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America.

But at a conference last summer, Mary Buzby -- director of environmental technology for drug maker Merck & Co. Inc. -- said: "There's no doubt about it, pharmaceuticals are being detected in the environment and there is genuine concern that these compounds, in the small concentrations that they're at, could be causing impacts to human health or to aquatic organisms."

Recent laboratory research has found that small amounts of medication have affected human embryonic kidney cells, human blood cells and human breast cancer cells. The cancer cells proliferated too quickly; the kidney cells grew too slowly; and the blood cells showed biological activity associated with inflammation.

Also, pharmaceuticals in waterways are damaging wildlife across the nation and around the globe, research shows. Notably, male fish are being feminized, creating egg yolk proteins, a process usually restricted to females. Pharmaceuticals also are affecting sentinel species at the foundation of the pyramid of life -- such as earthworms in the wild and zooplankton in the laboratory, studies show.

Wildlife problems troubling

Some scientists stress that the research is extremely limited, and there are too many unknowns. They say, though, that the documented health problems in wildlife are disconcerting.

To the degree that the EPA is focused on the issue, it appears to be looking at detection. Grumbles acknowledged that just late last year the agency developed three new methods to "detect and quantify pharmaceuticals" in wastewater.

"We realize that we have a limited amount of data on the concentrations," he said. "We're going to be able to learn a lot more."

So much is unknown. Many independent scientists are skeptical that trace concentrations will ultimately prove to be harmful to humans. There's growing concern in the scientific community, though, that certain drugs -- or combinations of drugs -- may harm humans over decades because water, unlike most specific foods, is consumed in sizable amounts every day.

Our bodies may shrug off a relatively big one-time dose, yet suffer from a smaller amount delivered continuously over a half century, perhaps subtly stirring allergies or nerve damage. Pregnant women, the elderly and the very ill might be more sensitive.

"We know we are being exposed to other people's drugs through our drinking water, and that can't be good," says Dr. David Carpenter, who directs the Institute for Health and the Environment of the State University of New York at Albany.

06 March 2008

uncle sam's 'territorial pissings'

"Just because you're paranoid / Don't mean they're not after you"
"Territorial Pissings" by Nirvana


More FBI Privacy Violations Confirmed
By LARA JAKES JORDAN of the Associated Press (06 March 2008)

WASHINGTON (AP) — The FBI acknowledged it improperly accessed Americans' telephone records, credit reports and Internet traffic in 2006, the fourth straight year of privacy abuses resulting from investigations aimed at tracking terrorists and spies.

The breach occurred before the FBI enacted broad new reforms in March 2007 to prevent future lapses, FBI Director Robert Mueller said Wednesday. And it was caused, in part, by banks, telecommunication companies and other private businesses giving the FBI more personal client data than was requested.

Testifying at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Mueller raised the issue of the FBI's controversial use of so-called national security letters in reference to an upcoming report on the topic by the Justice Department's inspector general.

An audit by the inspector general last year found the FBI demanded personal records without official authorization or otherwise collected more data than allowed in dozens of cases between 2003 and 2005. Additionally, last year's audit found that the FBI had underreported to Congress how many national security letters were requested by more than 4,600.

The new audit, which examines use of national security letters issued in 2006, "will identify issues similar to those in the report issued last March," Mueller told senators. The privacy abuse "predates the reforms we now have in place," he said.

"We are committed to ensuring that we not only get this right, but maintain the vital trust of the American people," Mueller said. He offered no additional details about the upcoming audit.

National security letters, as outlined in the USA Patriot Act, are administrative subpoenas used in suspected terrorism and espionage cases. They allow the FBI to require telephone companies, Internet service providers, banks, credit bureaus and other businesses to produce highly personal records about their customers or subscribers without a judge's approval.

Last year's audit by Justice Department Inspector General Glenn A. Fine, issued March 9, 2007, blamed agent error and shoddy record-keeping for the bulk of the problems and did not find any indication of criminal misconduct. Fine's latest report is expected to be released as early as next week.

Several Justice Department and FBI officials familiar with the upcoming 2006 findings have said privately the new audit will show national security letters were used incorrectly at a similar rate as during the previous three years.

The number of national security letters issued by the FBI skyrocketed in the years after the Patriot Act became law in 2001, according to last year's report. Fine's annual review is required by Congress, over the objections of the Bush administration.

In 2005, for example, Fine's office found more than 1,000 violations within 19,000 FBI requests to obtain 47,000 records. Each letter issued may contain several requests.

In contrast to the strong concerns expressed by Congress and civil liberties groups after last year's inspector general's report was issued, Mueller's disclosure drew no criticism from senators during just over two hours of testimony Wednesday.

Speaking before the FBI chief, Senate Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., urged Mueller to be more vigilant in correcting what he called "widespread illegal and improper use of national security letters."

"Everybody wants to stop terrorists. But we also, though, as Americans, we believe in our privacy rights and we want those protected," Leahy said. "There has to be a better chain of command for this. You cannot just have an FBI agent who decides he'd like to obtain Americans' records, bank records or anything else and do it just because they want to."

Following last year's audit, the Justice Department enacted guidelines that sternly reminded FBI agents to carefully follow the rules governing national security letters. The new rules caution agents to review all data before it is transferred into FBI databases to make sure that only the information specifically requested is used.

Fine's upcoming report also credits the FBI with putting the additional checks in place to make sure privacy rights aren't violated, according to a Justice official familiar with its findings.

Critics seized on Mueller's testimony as proof that a judge should sign off on the national security letters before they are issued.

"The credibility factor shows there needs to be outside oversight," said former FBI agent Michael German, now a national security adviser for the American Civil Liberties Union. He also cast doubt on the FBI's reforms.

"There were guidelines before, and there were laws before, and the FBI violated those laws," German said. "And the idea that new guidelines would make a difference, I think cuts against rationality."

05 March 2008

hillary strikes back (sort of) DELEGATE UPDATE
















*Data provided by CBSNews.com

hillary strikes back (sort of)

(CNN) -- Sen. Hillary Clinton got her campaign back on track with projected wins in the Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island primaries.

Delegate-rich Texas and Ohio were considered must-wins for her campaign.

Obama had won 12 straight contests since Super Tuesday on February 5.

Obama won in Vermont.

Texas also held Democratic caucuses Tuesday, but it was too close to declare a winner.

"For everyone here in Ohio and across America who's been ever been counted out but refused to be knocked out, for everyone who has stumbled but stood right back up, and for everyone who works hard and never gives up -- this one is for you," Clinton said before supporters in Columbus.

"You know what they say," she said. "As Ohio goes, so goes the nation. Well, this nation's coming back and so is this campaign."

Obama congratulated Clinton on her victories but downplayed his losses.

"We know this: No matter what happens tonight, we have nearly the same delegate lead as we had this morning, and we are on our way to winning this nomination," Obama told supporters in Texas.

In Texas, Clinton holds a two-to-one advantage over Obama with Hispanic voters, while Obama has the overwhelming advantage with black voters in the state's Democratic primary, according to CNN's exit poll.

These early surveys provide a snapshot of the race, but are not conclusive on who will win the critical contest.

Eighty-three percent of blacks voted for Obama, while 16 percent supported Clinton, according to the exit poll.

Meanwhile, 64 percent of Hispanics backed Clinton, while 32 percent went for Obama.

Early exit polls indicate a distinct "age gap" in both states.

Obama appeals most strongly to younger voters while older voters favor Clinton. Among Ohio Democratic primary voters aged 17 to 29, 65 percent went for Obama, and 34 percent went for Clinton. Among those age 60 and older, Clinton leads Obama 67-31 percent.

The same pattern holds true in early exit polling from the Texas Democratic primary. Among voters aged 18 to 29, Obama leads Clinton 61-39 percent, and among voters 60 and older, Clinton leads Obama 63- 36 percent.

01 March 2008

shelly is an artist

You're in the front passenger seat of a 1976 Oldsmobile sucking some strange man's cock for $20 when it happens again. With your eyes closed and your head bobbing up and down, faster and faster, another strange memory seeps into your skull. Strange because this memory is far removed from your current reality of blow jobs and soiled cash. Perverts and the stained upholstery of their automobiles. The fevered rush of narcotics swimming in your bloodstream.

Last night you recalled the six-year-old, so beautiful and innocent, who lost her mommy in that giant department store. Towering aisles of products bleeding colors. A million burning fluorescent lights like heaven's kaleidoscope. Tears streaming down your ruddy cheeks. And mommy nowhere in sight.

A memory. A fragment of someone's childhood -- your childhood.

What happened to that stranger? That little girl? That person? What's happened to you, Shelly?

And this is tonight's memory (lucid and striking):

You are nine-years old and it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon in May. Everything is in bloom. Your hair is clean. Pigtails and Barbie dolls. Miley, your beloved kitten.

Father asks you, his sole daughter, if you want to go to Jack's Pizza Shack for lunch. Of course you do. Every Saturday afternoon you, your mother, father and brother eat at Jack's. The weekly tradition is one of those suburban rituals -- a ceremony in which father wears the mask of the all-American dad and mother dons the dress of a happily married wife. A rite of denial. But, as a nine-year-old, you are ignorant of this fact.

You're in the backseat of the family minivan when father looks at your tiny face in the rear view mirror and asks, "Ready, kiddo?"

You nod, giddy with excitement.

Mother's tremulous hands (her hands were always unsteady) light a cigarette, and the smell of her cigarette and perfume fills your nostrils.

Brother rhythmically smacks his legs to the music in his headphones.

You hold onto this moment.

This flash of light and memory.

A point in time and space when everything is in its proper place.

A postcard of tides and sunshine.

A Polaroid of perfection.

But you know what happens next. And you stop.

You stop sucking.

"No . . . no, baby, don't stop . . . don't stop," the strange man moans, forcing your face down into that ugly darkness.

The memory, like footage from a home movie, is oblivious to your desire and continues to roll. So you suck . . . suck. A rite of denial.

You've tried to forget this incident, this accident (It was only an accident!) but it's ineffaceable and forever. The more you attempt to abandon this memory, the more vivid it becomes. And once your consciousness latches onto this memory, its rightful conclusion cannot be denied.

Mother and her shaky hands. The cigarette smoke and perfume.

Brother and his blessed oblivion.

Father shifts the minivan into reverse.

And then that sound . . . horrific.

The sound of pain.

A grievous injury.

It's the sound of a mortally wounded animal.

A cat.

Your precious kitten, Miley.

And your eyes are closed. Up and down. Faster and faster. And the man you're sucking off for $20 -- just enough for your next fix -- is moaning. This strange man who smells like hamsters and wood chips is quivering. Getting closer.

"What the fuck was that?" father asks. His hushed tone masks the terror throbbing in his gut. He quickly shifts the van into drive and lurches the vehicle forward.

"What . . . what's going on?" brother asks as he removes his headphones.

("And the oblivious shall no longer be oblivious once they have seen the light and felt the power of Almighty God!" a man of fire and brimstone shouts from some distant temple.)

You hurriedly climb over your brother and exit the van. Mother remains in her seat and takes a drag from her cigarette. Fingers tremble.

You rush to the rear of the van.

You see Miley. (No.)

You see blood. Dark blood. (No.)

Shiny, glistening tissue. Pink and pulsating. (No.)

Miley is squirming. (No.)

That agonizing sound. (No.)

You don't know what to do. (What could you do, dear?)

Your mind refuses to register what your eyes see. (Deny. Deny. Like mother.)

Your memory struggles to recall the ensuing events.

A flash

You are in your room, alone, buried in My Little Pony sheets. A pillowcase soaked with tears.

A flash

Mother is speaking to you. She strokes your hair with one hand, a cigarette burns in the other. Her lips move but silence is the sound. You refuse to listen to the words. Deny. Deny. Like mother like daughter.

Another flash

Through a window you see the sun reflect off the stem of a rifle. The aim. The target. An act of mercy. (No, this isn't happening. Not again.) POP!

A flash

You're alone. Somewhere.

As the strange man ejaculates, he moans in ecstasy and the tip of the condom suddenly floods with warm goo. You quickly leave the man's car. Through yellow teeth and a crooked grin he says, "Thanks, baby."

And you're alone. Somewhere.

You've become a blow-up doll of real flesh and tangled hair, a temporary vessel men use for erotic delights.
And you're empty on the inside.

You wish you were nine-years old again. That magical age when you would close your eyes and pretend to be everything. A ballet dancer. An actress. The sky. The stars. A moment in time of pigtails and Barbie dolls. Mother and her cigarettes and perfume. Father and his warm smile. Brother and his headphones. Miley asleep on your lap.

A postcard of tides and sunshine.

A Polaroid of perfection.

Now you are an artist walking the streets of midnight, a sculptor chiseling your masterpiece -- denial.

xx