shots in the dark

Thanksgiving is around the corner and this means a trip back to hometown..definitely not looking forward to this.
Sister (crying) called me late one night last week.
I don't know what to say.
Sister thinks that some bad things happened to her when she was little. She says that she remembers very little about her childhood. She wonders if this is some kind of defensive mechanism to block out the bad things that happened to her.............

FUCK IT, MAN. I'M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH THIS SHIT. I'M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE THAT CAN'T GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER>>>>>>>>>>
GROWING UP I WAS A "MOMMA'S BOY" SO IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT THAT.........SHIT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M EVEN TRYING TO SAY. MOM, YOU FUCKED UP. BIG TIME. DAD, YOU DID THE BEST THAT YOU COULD DO SO I GUESS I CAN'T HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST YOU>>>>>>>>>>
WHAT THE FUCK AM I?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>WHO THE HELL AM I?
>>>>THIS IS WHAT I'VE BECOME.
<>><<<<<<<<<>>SOME 27 YEAR OLD MAN-CHILD THAT SPENDS EVERY NITE TUCKED AWAY IN A SHELL OF TELEVISION.INTERNET.VIDEO*GAME.FANTASY.
>>>>>>IT'S 25 DEGREES OUTSIDE. IT'S COLD ON THE INSIDE, TOO>>>>>>>>>>>>>
IT'S COLD AND IT'S ALONE AND IT'S ALL THAT I HAVE AND I'M HOPING. HOPING FOR SOME 31ST CENTURY SAVIOR. A SAVIOR THAT ISN'T OF THIS WORLD. A SAVIOR THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND. A VIRGIN SAVIOR. A SAVIOR WHOSE SKIN IS CLEAN. AND PURE. A SAVIOR WHOSE EYES HAVE NOT BEEN CONTAMINATED BY THE ATROCITIES AND NAKED COLOURS OF THIS WORLD. (remember the vC: the eyes don't come clean after you've seen too much) A SAVIOR THAT WON'T SPIT THE SAME GODDAMNED CLICHES THAT I AM TYPING RIGHT NOW. A GIRL. A WOMAN. A LOVER. A GODDESS. SOMETHING THAT WILL CRADLE MY HEART LIKE A MOTHER TO HER NAKED, TENDER INFANT. I WANT TO BE THAT IGNORANT BABE SLEEPING IN A CRIB IN A ROOM FILLED WITH THINGS THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. I SIMPLY WANT TO FEEL. TO FEEL A WARM PRESENCE NEXT TO ME AT NIGHT. A GLOWING BODY OF NEURONS AND TENDONS AND HAIR AND FLESH. AND NEXT TO ME.
>>>>>>>>IT'S ALL OUT OF REACH. I'VE BECOME ISOLATED. "frank, frank. frank. where have you been? what have you done? frank. it's been years, you're not a kid anymore, and what can you tell us? what have you seen? what are you sure of?"*
>>>>>>I FEEL LIKE WALTER SELBY FROM The King is Dead. IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP FOR THREE DECADES AND I CAN'T SEEM TO RELATE TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING. "he was like rip van winkle. he used to tell us: call waiting, contact lenses, price clubs, cell phone towers, said Donald. words like ms. on envelopes and motherfucker on cable television, all those wires and radio waves, all these plastic bags, men and women exercising, corporate parks, organic foods, signs in spanish, video everywhere, radar guns, no one acted their age, there were so many messages from everyone to everyone, all those things flying around in space while all the streets below were empty, reminders and alarms of nothing more important than the day ahead...it seemed to him that half the nation was high on something the other half had never heard of...he really didn't know anything about how to get along."*
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>where do i go from here?

mc


* from Jim Lewis' The King is Dead