f___e_________a____r

i feel like a little boy with shaky fingers and sweaty palms. there isn't a monster under my bed. the monster is in my head. i should call someone but there is nothing anyone can do and i know, i hope, that tomorrow this episode will seem like bullshit but right now, in the grip of this thing, i'm not sure what to do. sleep has been a rare thing lately and tonight is no different. early day tomorrow but i can't sleep. my mind is racing and something is filling my head with things, thoughts, ideas that i don't want to think about. i see the faces of mom, dad and sister but their faces are distorted...the faces of demons. i never sleep in silence. radio must be on. talk radio. but nothing can silence my mind right now. i'm trembling. the cavity of my chest shakes like an aftershock. just need some time to chill out...settle down...sleep but sleep is not easy. the voice on the radio asks his listeners, "what are you thankful for?" is this some kind of cruel, sick joke you motherfucker? not sure where to go from here but i had to come down here and type and get this out or at least make an attempt. relate. relate the experience. some are thankful that the hurricane missed them...they still have a roof over their head...others are thankful that, even though the hurricane destroyed all of their possessions, they are still alive...so what are the dead thankful for? it's all about the food chain, man. if you're at the top you have the world on a fucking string...people line up for the pleasure of sucking your cock...but when you're on the bottom, well, you're on the bottom. shit, piss drip like rain from clouds of electric hell. "so what are you thankful for?" "i'm thankful that the shit and piss isn't up to my knees yet, jim."___________________________________________________________________ _________ ___ _______________ _______________________ ___ _ __________________________ __ ______________________ _"it's dangerous to confuse children with angels," thurston howell from magnolia

feeling a little better now...maybe i will be graced by the porcelain mask of sleep




mc