entry

Well, Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. In fact, I can say I actually had a good time. I was afraid of some kind of emotional blow-up but nothing like that happened; the demons were silent on Thursday.

Regarding my last post, I'm not sure if there is anything to say. That night was absolutely terrifying.

The demons have been floating again. Occasionally, my head is filled with dark thoughts, darker desires and wicked compulsions. If the reader is wondering about suicidal tendencies, I wouldn't worry about that. Has the thought of suicide crossed my mind? Yes, but briefly. Has the act of suicide crossed my mind? Absolutely not. I would never abuse the precious relationships that I have with my friends. I would never put mom and dad through such a violent end after what they have been through with my sister. I would never leave sister as an only child.
I'm not sure what these demons are trying to pull from me. My intelligence tells me that these demons are not demons but simply an imbalance of chemicals in my brain. But when one is in the vortex of these "demons," it's hard to be subjective. It's hard to be rational. It's hard to remove yourself from that temporary reality. An idle mind shall be the devil's playground. Perhaps taking the last two days off from work wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I need to hit the keyboard and headphones and let my mind wonder in a self-controlled musical cosmos. It's hard to motivate yourself when you feel like shit.
I need to shower.
I need to shave.
I need to move.
Need. Needs. We all need something/someone.
Desire.

mc