the first post (exorcizing demons)

the first post...this inaugural post finds me confused, lost....lately my thoughts have been a bit worrisome. I haven’t been “depressed” in quite some time but it seems the darkness has returned after a long absence. so alone...most of my “friends” live at least an hour away and rarely call and never visit. if I don’t visit I at least give the periodic phone call to see what’s going on but this gesture is hardly ever returned. Last nite I searched yahoo for other females that live in my area. Just wanted some conversation and with conversation comes hope...maybe she would like my pic and maybe we could get together for some coffee and conversation but no....she seemed extremely uninterested in my IMs (guess I really can’t blame her after all) and ended up feeling like a fool. So hard for me to interact with other people even on-line. Most of the people you chat with online you will never meet but, for some reason, it’s still awkward. I’m so introverted that I really don’t think I will ever meet that “special girl” or whatever....I’m not even sure what to say....how I long for the simple touch of another female....her fingertips skating across my skin....an ecstacy that surpasses any and everything sexual....but this is not to be. The few “relationships” ( I suppose it’s bold to even call them relationships, but whatever) I’ve been in have been short and ultimately pointless since I don’t even speak to any of them anymore. Laura broke my heart and I hate the fact that I still think about her but she was the first girl that I had a deep interest in because we had many things in common....lost my virginity to her...suppose that is why her ghost still hurts me today.....I moved back to my hometown (she was hooked on all kinds of shit) for a year or so then moved back here to find her off the coke and pills...had some hope we might be able to hang out but she didnt seem to want to have anything to do with me. Last time I spoke with her (probably two years ago) she was preparing to move to TX to attend grad school or something....even though I know she is long gone I still find myself doing a double-take whenever I see a car similar to hers on the street...sad I know....but we hang onto whatever we have from the days that filled us with (perceived) joy..............amazing to me how much time we spend on pointless shit in our day-to-day lives...how many hours we spend on the web looking up nothing, which leads us to nothing and so on......I suppose I still have some hope of meeting “her” but I don’t know how it will happen. I rarely leave the house and when I do leave to go to a bar/nightclub/whatever I go alone and most girls get creeped out by the “loner” who is standing there all alone drinking a beer, waiting for the next band to hit the stage. All I know is this...if my mom, dad, and sister were gone I would have offed myself a long time ago...sometimes this vision comes to me....something happens to me and those that know me (my friends) are in shock because they “had no idea” what was going on with me and then feel like shit for being such assholes.....and no I don’t believe in the “forgive and forget” cliche...you fuck me over then you’re practically dead to me.....it’s unfortunate that this post has turned so ugly but hopefully this blog will provide some kind of therapeutic value...there are always demons that need to be exorcized.
mc