outside is rain

outside is rain....i don’t think it is a coincidence that i have always enjoyed weather that others might lable as “dreary” or “depressing.” going to bed earlier than usual....staying in bed until the late afternoon, early evening....i do not enjoy days off from work...too much time to sit around and think. i used to think that i subconsciously “enjoyed” being depressed because i thought there was something “fashionable” about it. i know that there are some, if not many, who feel this way. i guess i do not believe in the state of “depression.” you are what you are and some avoid this. i try not to get too happy or too unhappy because i realize that these emotions are human and don’t really exist in the grand scheme of things. i suppose its similar to the expression of “if a tree falls in the forest and there was no one there to hear it, does it make a sound.” if you can remove yourself from yourself than you will find that nothing good happens to anyone and nothing bad happens to anyone.....things just happen. we are the ones that put labels and emotions to these events. i’m sure months from now i will read this post again and say, “jesus, what a pretentious, self-righteous asshole,” but oh well, i’ve believed in the “things just happen” approach for quite some time. i could probably sit here for the next several hours and type experience after experience that would provide a map as to how i have reached this state, level of being, what have you. but i don’t have the energy now so in the meantime i will list some things that i will try to touch upon in the near-future-blog.
1) how dealing with my sister’s bout of junkiedom reenforced my belief of “things just happen”
2) how believing in god can cause more heartache and emotional damage for those coping with traumatic events (death, loss, etc)
3) explore a recent vision: “innocence wont protect you” i still cling to a piece of innocence from my youth...hanging on maybe because there is clearly a larger, darker part of my being that wasn’t as loud in my days of youth...or was it there at all?

also very angry at myself.....if i don’t want to do something or if i have reservations then the answer will be “no.” i don’t give a fuck about the “image” that that kind of mindset portrays...if i had followed this line of thought i wouldnt be in the situation that i now find myself in at work. motherfucker

mc