subjunctive mood

I'm not in a good place right now. Spending Monday night with some old comrades was great, but making the inevitable drive back to this shit apartment was depressing. When your living space begins to represent everything you despise about your life, it's time to move on. But I can't. Unfortunately the signature I placed on a legally-binding document requires me to stay here until June.

I hate where I am right now, both literally and figuratively. I hate where I live. I hate my roommate. I hate my financial and social positions in life right now. I've been sleeping 12 hours a day. I'm binge eating. For nearly a week I've been unable to run because I somehow fucked up my right knee. A 31-year-old man should not be relegated to this dismal lifestyle. But things will be changing – not soon enough, unfortunately – but soon. Come June I'll be out of here and away from Bloomington. Panda Bear and I will be living together in _____, and in August I'll begin the ASN program. And in December 2011 I'll graduate, which, I just learned recently, is about six months earlier than I had anticipated (definitely a good thing). The plan is to be out of Indiana before I'm 35, rooting myself in the Seattle area, maybe Chicago.

Speaking of school, classes begin next week. I've enjoyed the three (mostly) study-free weeks, although I wish I could have gotten more writing done – I was hoping to churn out a few short pieces, but writing has been a cumbersome task during the last couple of weeks. The simple task of putting a sentence together has been, and continues to be, a painful exercise. I question practically every word I type, and I fear/know the wordiness of each sentence is dreadful. Producing my previous post was agonizing. I felt as though I had to drag each fragment of each idea from a pit of tar and molasses, and then piece those shards together to form a semi-intelligible opinion. Some might ask, If it's such a struggle to blog, why do it at all? Because I enjoy writing. I enjoy, more often than not, the process of writing. It is undoubtedly my favorite hobby. Also, I have an obsessive-compulsive personality, and this space has become an organ of that personality, so I feel compelled to maintain this blog. And finally, as I age, this blog becomes more valuable to be me because it's a map of my life, my experiences; I'm fascinated with memory, and as long as I continue to chart my thoughts, opinions and experiences, this map will stand as a testament of who I am. And who I was.

I just wish I were in a better place right now.

xx