try to forget

Sister's in jail. Disappointing news, but I'm certainly not surprised. I had a conversation with her via telephone several weeks ago, and, avoiding the details, the conversation was an uncomfortable and slightly disturbing experience. It was obvious that she was under the influence of something, certainly wasn't alcohol. I found out about her Friday arrest during a phone conversation with mother on Saturday. The timing of her arrest was bizarre; strange because Friday evening (a few hours after sister's arrest, which I did not know at the time) I was having a bit of an OCD moment, (some would say obsessively) cleaning and organizing my room. I do not know what compelled me to do this, but upon coming across a framed picture of sister, nephew and me, I was filled with a strange sadness. I looked at the picture, looked at my smile, sister's eyes and nephew's innocent face, removed the picture from the shelf and put it away, into the shadows of a closet. Twenty-four hours later I learn of sister's Friday afternoon arrest and the pills that were for "someone else." I am a man of science and logic, and therefore not prone to thoughts of supernatural coincidences, fate or premonition, but, even at this moment, I find my mysterious desire to remove the photograph bizarre.

Since the summer of 2005, when shit got real crazy with sister and her addiction, I've kept her an arm's length away. Don't mistake me, I forgave her, but some things are impossible to forget… certain things happen in our lives, specific events impact us forever because, unlike some natural occurrence, such as a tornado or a scare with cancer, these marks are inflicted by other human beings, and when those individuals are family or close friends, you simply cannot forgive and forget. It's not possible, which is why I place such great importance on loyalty. I haven't spoken with RM in several months because he wronged two very good friends. D and Reid are two loyal, trustworthy men who would not hesitate to help a friend in need (which they did, only to have their goodwill backfire through deception and manipulation). I'm very wary of strangers and new acquaintances because I place great emphasis on trust, and my trust isn't doled out easily. It's not that I'm unwilling to give a person the chance to earn my trust, it's my issues and defense mechanisms that keep people a safe distance away. I learned at a very impressionable age that trust, even when it is given to the two beings responsible for your very existence, is immaculately fragile. At that tender age a precious bond was broken, and I suppose since then I've been very cautious to build bridges to other people. Some things cannot be forgotten. And when someone breaks that bridge, as sister has, he or she (possibly permanently) damages the relationship. The bond changes, it mutates into something else, and the bond that existed before impact is gone – forever. You can attempt to dress the reality of the circumstance differently; you know, pretend that those bad things never happened and act. Just act as though your actions never hurt me. And you. Or perhaps the only thing you damaged was the idea of a brother and sister. But this isn't about me. This is about you and a promise you made to your 2-year-old son. Where are you, sister?

//reset_

During Saturday's phone call with mother, I learned of other recent episodes (incidents that did not include law enforcement intervention) involving sister and drug-induced behavior. The one hundred miles that separates me from Hometown afford me insulation from the sadness and drama. And there is so much I don't know. So much I don't care to know. And that's ok. I know enough. Too much, probably.

In a recent interview with Bill Flanagan, Bob Dylan said, "Sometimes we know people and we are no longer what we used to be to them…"

Indeed.

xx