holden

Talked to mom yesterday (Tuesday)… Apparently sister was arraigned on two charges (one felony – possession of a controlled substance – and one misdemeanor – driving under the influence) Monday afternoon and posted bond afterward (her husband picked up the tab). She spent three days in the clink; mother, father and her husband refused to bail her out sooner, feeling that the time behind bars would sober her – literally and figuratively.

I haven't spoken to sister. Wouldn't know what to say or how to say it. What do you say? What can you say? Earlier this evening I had an imaginary conversation with her – inside my head, of course. It was a short conversation because I fell apart after I said how bad I felt for her, because I know she doesn't deserve any of this. She's a victim of her addiction. I know how much she loves her son, and a sober sister would never subject that boy to such anguish. I'll talk to sister sooner rather than later… just have to let some of this settle.

I never thought I would experience such dislocation, such a separation from the life I envisioned as a little boy. Never thought my parents would divorce. Never thought sister would become a wounded addict. Never thought I would battle the poisonous demons of mental illness. (I struggled to type "mental illness"… I suppose denial is a deathless deceiver.) I've thought about the future; a time when mother and father have passed on and only sister and I remain. I try not to think about that future, but if I can't escape the thoughts, I prefer to see the future backlit, so only shadows and silhouettes are visible. The less detail the better.

xx

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Holden Caulfield