an end

One day shy of our five month anniversary, L has broken up with me -- and I can't blame her.
Last weekend was a mess. I'll spare this post from any specific details; however, I will say I was ungrateful, uncooperative, and, at times, very cold and unresponsive. L didn't deserve that treatment.
The last two months of our relationship tormented me and thereby affected the relationship. I missed the freedom and solitude of being single; conversely, I was overjoyed that someone actually loved me -- unconditionally. I never doubted her love, and I had never experienced that feeling, yet I remained emotionally torn over the sacrifices required of me to sustain a working and healthy relationship.
Last Saturday night, I was writing at my table while she slept on my bed. I put down my pen and stared at her peaceful body. I pitied her because I knew my indecisiveness about our relationship was hurting her as much, if not more, as it was me. I was emotionally trapped: I loved her so much and didn't want to lose her, yet I frequently doubted if I could give her (and the relationship) what she needed -- all of myself.
I never consciously intended to hurt her; I hope she understands this.

Today, I've been aimlessly wandering throughout my apartment. She's vowed to remain friends and I have no reason to doubt her. Maybe someday -- someday soon -- I'll collect the remnants of the shipwreck inside my head, we will reconcile, and begin anew. I believe fate, destiny, whatever brought us together for a reason -- not to be friends but something more. Regardless...
I love you, Panda Bear -- and Pookie always will.

mc