crossroads

I'm outside on a beautiful Sunday. The sun is shining. A slight breeze blows as I write. A cigarette and coffee are at hand.
The weather is a stark contrast to the turmoil churning inside.
L and I are at a crossroads -- no, I'm at a crossroads. L knows she wants a relationship with me. I, however, don't know what I want.
I love L very much, so why this indecisiveness?
I've been a single man my entire life, and I've grown accustomed to floating on a sea without an anchor. I've been free to sail without a partner and make decisions based on my desires; however, this freedom must be sacrificed somewhat when you become romantically involved with another person. This relationship is new territory for me and making this transition hasn't been easy.
Our relationship is strained by my multiple mental issues. I'm very introverted and therefore somewhat of a recluse -- I'm comfortable with my surroundings and the people in my life; I'm wary trusting people outside of my very small circle of friends; I mildly suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, which, I believe, is at least partially responsible for my discomfort whenever it's my weekend to visit L's place (as I've written in previous entries, L and I are separated by approximately 90 minutes; we visit each other's place on alternate weekends); I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and cyclothymia (medications are successfully treating both disorders).
I honestly believe the distance issue is largely responsible for the strain on our relationship, but in the meantime, there is no solution to this problem. It's difficult for me to live out of a suitcase and "feel at home" when home, where I feel most comfortable, feels a million miles away. Despite L's hospitality, I feel trapped at her place. I miss the comforts of my apartment and the familiarity of the city I call home.
I feel so bad for L. My indecisiveness has put her through hell but the recent weeks have scarred my heart as well. She has made so few demands of me, yet I seem to lack the strength to satisfy those needs. I'm a fuck-up riddled with problems and I'm sucking L in, unintentionally hurting her in the process.
She has cared for me like no other girl in my life. We both realize our relationship (if I can piece myself together) has long-term potential, but I'm fucking it up because this is my modus operandi. I hurt everyone who cares about me. Why? Her arms are open and inviting, it's safe here she says, but I'm frozen, clinging to the dark and sacred pieces of my personality, fearful of opening up and sacrificing myself to her sweet porcelain soul.
Am I scared of the commitment this relationship requires?
Won't she accept the broken pieces of my personality?
Do I possess the strength to drop anchor and welcome L aboard?
One minute I'm absolutely sure I can make this relationship work. The next minute my heart and soul are blinded by cruel uncertainty. Every minute, however, L weighs heavy on my tormented heart.

mc