loose inside

Eager to escape the house this afternoon. Things feel unsettled and loose inside. Even though these feelings are all too familiar, they always seem to trouble me.
I've decided to hunker down in a booth with hot coffee and notebook at Encore Cafe. I felt very anxious as I parked my car but forced myself to enter the bustling establishment.
I'm not sure why I'm feeling so uneasy. She spent the night again and there was a moment in bed when She turned silent and away. I know She's dealing with stress; She's confused, lost and sleep deprived and the last thing I want is to contribute to the mess. She said something peculiar that made me stop for a moment. She said there was a voice, a feeling She got when She was with Her boyfriend years ago; She failed to heed this "feeling" (a warning?) and apparently this "feeling" is resurfacing with me. I don't wish to speculate what this "feeling" is or what it means but I hope She will tell me in time.
She has a poor self-image and this causes Her to reject anything positive. I've been candid about my feelings for Her and my opinion of Her as a friend and as a person. Does She think I'm simply trying to inflate Her damaged ego with empty platitudes?
My words aren't ghosts, Dear. They are real and true and I wish you to take them.
I want Her to trust the person speaking those words and perhaps She will open and share.
Her apparent lack of trust has made me ask myself an important question: Should I trust Her? Has it been wise to share those intimate facts of porcelain with Her? Yes. My trust in Her is absolute. She could damage me. She could break me. But I know She would never intentionally do such a thing. Her guarded demeanor reflects a broken heart still in disrepair. Knowing this, oddly enough, validates my trust in Her. I know She would never maliciously wield the things I have confided in Her because She has felt that cold blade of betrayal Herself.
I know the scales of trust are extremely unbalanced, and this makes me feel like a vulnerable pinata, but I need Her presence (in whatever form or title).
I hate the feeling that I need others more than they need me.
I hate the feeling that this might be the case more often than not.
I hate the fact that my self-image is so poor.
But what is one to do (remember Palahniuk: "Self-improvement is masturbation)? Change, permanent change is not easy, if even possible. Denial doesn't work.
Acceptance. Yes. Accept the broken pieces; for even a shattered mirror offers a reflection.

mc