drunken stanzas in a dripping night

from my portable notebook...written earlier tonight...i suppose the prologue to this entry can be found here


(I've disappeared again)
I'm wandering Kirkwood Avenue in a drunken state when I find my vehicle. I'm wondering if She will miss my inebriated presence. Probably not.

Before I stumble across my car, the drunken bodies of strangers pass me. My steps are cautious and calculated. My eyes downward. An intoxicated girl asks me ("Hey, red shirt guy!" I'm wearing a red cardigan sweater) if this, the street we are standing on, is Kirkwood.
"Yes. Of course it is," I reply, confused.
We're all looking for a ride home but home is far, far away and beyond our reach.
"I wish I could help you," I say but my drunken words are greeted by deaf ears. Her cellular conversation has eliminated my presence.
A strange couple exchange a drunken kiss in an obscene ally and I pretend not to notice. They are strangers and I'm lost on this sidewalk as the falling rain glistens off the pavement.
I'm lost and don't know what to do. I smoke a cigarette in the rain and absorb the drops. When does one truly know what to do in moments like these?
I find my car and climb inside. Strangers pass in the wet night.
So lost.
So confused.
No one will ever find me. A lost alien in a lost world.
Some believe that god knows all the answers but he's just as lost as we are...In this drunken town. No one has the answers because the solutions do not exist - not in the here and now. No. Answers are a false solution to unperceived problems.
Fuck it.
The shadows of rain drops fall upon this page as I ponder...I'm a drunken Idiot and the rain tap-tap-taps on the cold metallic roof and the see-through crystal windows of my car. More strangers scurry past my ghost. We're all waiting for an answer that will never come.
"Why can't you love me as I love you, Dear?"
No. She is a mannequin absent of lips...Salty lips that taste like home as I wish to crawl through these puddles and away. I don't wish to walk. I want to crawl into the arms of a warm presence...Waiting for my frail body, dripping with dirty rain.
I'm always waiting for the cloaked inevitable.
Take me and take me away. Please. Cradle me and tell me everything will be okay. Please. I need your strawberry hair and warm, tender flesh. Are you there?
No. The mannequin is silent. Your silence kills me, Dear.
Kill me and take me away. Please.
I'll sharpen your shiney blades and place them carefully inside my beating heart. Through and through until nothing is left but the memory of a trembling heart.
Kill me and take me away. Carry me into that dark palace in the sky. The King is waiting for my ragged and tattered body.
"O, King! Lick my wounds and seal the bleeding openings. The red rain refuses to stop flowing and I'm trapped in this vehicle of metal and rubber.
"Steer me into the heavens, wet and dripping and waiting.
"I'm ready. So ready for your throne - a bed of hospitality made of cotton and cloud."
Her words were medicine but now the syrup tastes like rusty daggers waiting to slice the empty space in my chest. Pulsating and waiting.
"Take me, Love. Take it all and don't look back. Dispose of the unwanted parts that you or I have no use for. Feed those pieces to the dogs and take it all away. Away and into the sky as the midnight rain falls upon this dying flesh of metal and skin.
"I'm sorry and my words are never enough.
"Never enough. Take me. Away.
"Your brilliance exceeds my cold and dying capacity."
The rain continues its descent and I'm trapped in my vehicle.
Waiting.
Waiting for something.

mc