among billions

There's this Godspeed You Black Emperor! song called "Motherfucker=Redeemer (Section 1)" that's simply magic. Two minutes and twenty seconds into the song you hear the repeated plucking of a guitar string and I don't know what it is but there's something in the sound of that string that springs flashes in my mind - flashes of life, flashes of the faces of strangers, so many things exploding (everywhere and all points in between) with each tick of the clock...Strange and beautiful flashes, brilliant.
Somehow this song encapsulates the fragile and fleeting feeling I get when I think about how small I am; one tiny body among a sea of billions.
I'm thinking about the chaos of this moment; somewhere there is tragedy, joy, terror, confusion, loss, emptiness, laughter, tears, anger, fucking, regret, death (new), life (newer), magic, surprise, heartache, car crashes, flowers, suicides, celebration - it's enough to turn a silent heart of stone into a meteor shooting across the sky, naked and alive, brilliant.
When things get crazy and my head becomes a raging bonfire of melancholic confusion I will go to a dark room, strap on my ear goggles and let this song cradle me into a warm, dark corner of the cosmos. I'll be alone with millions in a cocoon of safety and loneliness.

In about an hour I'll be on my way to a bar to meet up with roommate, a friend, a couple acquaintances and perhaps a few strangers. As I prepare to head into this night of whiskey and mystery, I know that at any moment an internal switch could flip causing me to seek the nearest exit and leave without a word to anyone - there is a certain beauty in disappearing (one night last year I disappeared and walked home [home being 4 or 5 miles away]). I'll try to carry the medicating strains of "Motherfucker=Redeemer (Section 1)" with me. I just wish "the moment" wasn't so fucking fragile.

mc