Roommate left town last night. Home alone on a Friday night and I decided to pop in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I thought I might be able to gain some kind of peace of mind in viewing this film but I think it fucked me up even more.
I'm watching the part where the house on the beach is crumbling as Joel's memory of Clementine is erased...
Clem: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clem: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least. Let's pretend we had one.
-LONG PAUSE-
Clem: Bye, Joel.
Joel: I love you.
I lost it. I began crying like the eight year old boy that skinned his knee after a tumble from his bike. Literally losing my shit. Bawling. I don't think this was triggered by the film as much as it was triggered by something in my life.
Things have been rather turbulent over the past few days. It's an odd thing when a stranger becomes something else entirely. The stranger transforms into an important, special subject.
It's a sad thing when life doesn't follow the poetic script of a film.
I recognized with Eternal Sunshine's Joel Barish.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" he asks.
When I heard this, I had to rewind the film to make sure my ears weren't deceiving me. I was stunned. I recognized the sound of this reflection.
At the start of the film, Joel and Clem soon realize that there's something else between them besides the fact of them being strangers. There is a connection. And they go with it. Why can't there be Joels and Clems in real life? Why do so many insist on complicating their lives with imaginary walls and fears? Why can't more people just run with it?
In another part of the film, Joel and Clem listen to each other's memory tape in which they are brutally honest about how they feel with the other. After hearing a particularly offensive comment, Clem leaves, upset...
Joel: Wait.
Clem: What?
Joel: I don't know. Just wait. Just wait.
Clem: What do you want, Joel?
Joel: I don't know. I want you to wait for...Just a while.
Clem: Okay.
Joel: Really?
Clem: I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. I'm not perfect.
Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you. Right now I can't.
Clem: But you will. But you will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: (Shrugs shoulders) Okay.
Clem: Okay.
Joel: Okay.
Clem: Okay.
In a world of Kings, Queens and Knights, there is a price to be paid for being the only Pawn on the chess board. But I refuse to think like those mighty pieces. Their lives are filled with the ghosts of complexity, of intricacy. I refuse to accept these ghosts as something material, real. But this will is weakening. This Pawn is tiring. This pawn is weary. Where is my Lady, absent of ghosts?
mc (as the closing credits roll, I hear Beck singing, "Change your heart/And look around you/Change your heart/It will astound you")
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4 comments:
I recognized some of your thoughts and feelings in your blog as well.
Thank you for leaving something. Finding someone's comment temporarily fills me with something...a good feeling I guess. It's nice to know that my words triggered an emotion... triggered something in someone else. But in the end it's never enough. Thanks...
mc
Am I human? Am I? If I'm not, then what am I? I live inside myself most, if not all of the time. Living in one's head is a double edged sword. On one hand, I can find peace in knowing that I, for the most part, live life on my own terms. On the other hand, I seem to be out of touch when it comes to interacting with others. It's like showing a cave man a telephone. He doesn't recognize this device...What does this device do? Will it hurt me? How do I become familiar with this device?
But am I human? Yes. I am a human according to my definition of what human is. But we don't all share the same dictionary, do we?
mc
You are a radio tower penetrating the edge of heaven...For the moment, all I can see is the light blinking at the very top...I want to know more about the structure that sustains your height...The force that powers that blinking light...
mc
"That force is tired and lonely and some days wanting nothing but to give up and fall over dead."
I feel the same way but the connections that I'm trying to form and sustain give me just enough power to keep the lights on. Most of the time, the lights flicker, fading in, fading out... Sometimes I think I can hear the generator, rumbling, rattling, so close to giving out but somehow the machine stays alive.
"Stick around though and you shall see more of it.. Especially if i make a habbit of posting while drunk. I'm not sure if I regret that or not this morning."
I'll stick around. For reasons that I can't (and don't) want to understand, I need to stick around. I have to.
And you have nothing to regret. Those words were perfect beautiful...
mc
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