Well, the last few posts have been, I don't know, short stories, prose, something. Lately I've only been able to communicate my feelings through these characters. I don't know where to go from here.
Expose yourself. Grab a 12" butcher knife and slice a clean line from your esophagus to your naval. See what falls out. It isn't pretty. It's bloody. It isn't real. That bloody mess isn't...Shit. I don't know.
Why do I feel like some used-car salesman in a wrinkled suit? Why do I insist on convincing myself that these feelings aren't real?
Now that I've typed that, that isn't how I feel.
Be a faucet. Let the water pour through. I guess this is our purpose on this planet. This rotating mass. Let these things flow, pour. Should I be worried that the water is collecting and the drain is clogged? A faucet isn't concerned with where the water goes or what the water does.
But it isn't this easy. No. Unless I convince myself. What if I convince myself that it is easy? Am I lying to myself? What the fuck am I doing?
"How strange it is to be anything at all," the singer sings. How painful it is be anything at all. Am I the only one that feels this way?
I guess this pain is what drives me. Or is this pain driving something else? Is it driving my creativity? Yes. Is my creativity driving me? No. I suppose I feel fortunate to be able to compile sounds into a song. I suppose I feel fortunate to be able to compile words into something that moves someone. Seems like a cruel game of catch-22.
Is any of this making sense? Why do I feel like I don't know my friends? Why do I feel like they don't know me? AA stares into his mirror. What do you see, AA? Is this the same man that your friends see? How about you, D?
Convey something. Convince someone. Are they not one in the same? In one of my first posts (jesus, I started this thing way back in July? that's crazy), I AM SOMEONE/SOMETHING REAL, I said "And why do we (meaning bloggers) post our feelings and thoughts on these “pages?” i suppose it is the same reason we have our photographs taken....to prove that we once existed....that we/were something real....some of us are shouting out loud with mouths parallel to the sky, 'I AM HERE....DOES ANYONE CARE TO NOTICE ME...I AM A HUMAN BEING AND I HAVE FEELINGS, DESIRES...I AM NOT SIMPLY AN IMAGE...I AM FLESH....I AM BLOOD....I AM ME ----- AND I AM REAL.'" I still feel that way, but what am I trying to convey? Is it enough to simply notice someone? Fuck no. I notice many things every day but...Fuck. Can anyone help me out here?
The aging athlete. He's won seven world championships. He's regarded as the best ever to play his sport yet he can't seem to say goodbye.
I guess we all want to escape the cure...
mc
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2 comments:
Good post man. You never fail to make me stop and think. Who do I see when I look into the mirror? I guess that changes from day-to-day. Sometimes I see someone who I am comfortable with and generally have a positive outlook towards. Other times, I see someone very unsure of himself....wondering wtf he's doing with his life and constantly measuring himself by the expectations of life he's had since youth. Am I successful? Depends how you define success. Am I happy? Depends how you define happy. Whenever I start to think abt the negative aspects of my life, I try and focus on what I do have. I've got pretty good health, a stable, though not luxurious, income. I never have to worry abt where I will find my next meal or where I will sleep at night. Yet, that's not always enough. Human always seem to desire what they do not have...or perceive to not have. Perspective is a strange thing. I was listening to C2C a week or so ago, and there was an author on who writes books dismissing all of the "self-help gurus." His basic thesis was: Stop trying to keep improving every aspect of your life so much and just accept that good enough is good enough. Stop striving for this "ultimate perfection," because you will never attain it. I found his ideas refreshing in a way...yet I'm not quite sure if he has it right either. Anyhow, I feel as though I'm rambling at this point, so I'll cut myself off...not even sure if I've made sense to myself or anyone else here. But keep up the writing my friend....I always enjoy reading and thinking about what you write. There have been many points you've made and situations you've talked abt that I've related to completely. It's always nice to find common threads. Take it easy man.
D
Hey MC, stopped in because you asked. I'm still trying to absorb it all- at times reading it is as painful as reading my own life. When I can come up with something productive to say, I'll post again.
~ J.
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