all's well that ends well

It’s been awhile since I visited this space. Much has changed; some for the better, some for the worse. I am out and away from the place I called home for the past seven years. The townhouse and Bloomington are now memories. I can only speak for myself, but I believe that things between roommate and I ended rather amicably. After one final walk-through of the apartment, we handed over the keys, shook hands and went our separate ways. I remember patting him on the back and saying something like, “Hey, no hard feelings, OK?” Indeed, all’s well that ends well.

I’m no longer a citizen of Bloomington; ____ is where I will call home for the next 16-24 months. I have no illusions about this city – it’s definitely a step down from Bloomington, and, in some ways, reminds me of dreaded Hometown, but the concept temporariness is never far from my mind, and its closeness offers consolation, a reminder that I’m in the process of moving on to bigger and better things. What will I miss about Bloomington? The small, college town aesthetic; the progressive (liberal) politics; the high level of social tolerance many (but far from all) Bloomingtonians practice; and the city offers a relative safe haven from the ignorant, right-wing approach to everything that engulfs much of Indiana. A few things I won’t miss about Bloomington: the artificial wealth that swells throughout certain parts of the city – there’s nothing like being cut off in traffic by a 19-year-old IU student in a $70,000 sports car or SUV (don’t choke on your silver spoon, pig); the liberal elites – these hypocrites pay lip service to traditional liberal causes (specifically, social programs for the poor), yet detest being in the presence of the very people they claim to defend; and, finally, despite the fact that Bloomington is a liberal stronghold, the occasional reminder of your geographic location (southern Indiana, ya’ll) takes the form of a Confederate flag bumper sticker, or the screaming pipes of a pickup truck.

I’ve been in ____ for a week now and have yet to land a job, which is a little frightening. Two weeks ago I applied to a few pizza places with the hopes of landing a delivery job, but nobody is hiring. I’ve since applied to several other businesses (retail stores, hospitals). The entire application process is humbling humiliating, especially as a 32-year-old whose most recent job experience is seven years driving a bus. The fear of being misclassified as a 30something with no skills (“if you had any skills, why would you be applying for a lowly, entry-level position?”) is apparent every time I ask for and return the job application. I feel as though I should preface every application with this simple statement: I’M NOT AN INCOMPETENT DOLT.

Me being me, of course, this uncertainty (along with nursing courses beginning in late August) adds an unhealthy dose of anxiety to the smog of depression that’s been hovering above for the past few weeks. I just want to find a place of relative stability. Right now, I don’t have that, and it feels as though the unknown is greater than the known.

xx