sunday night

I had a mostly pleasant weekend until a couple hours ago. I don't know… something happened. I should have known better; much of today burned with a manic glow, and whenever that is the case, the crash is inevitable.

Panda Bear and I looked at a one-bedroom apartment Friday and submitted the security deposit Saturday. We will probably make things official and sign the lease this Friday. PB will be moving in May 1; I'll be joining her when my current lease expires at the end of June. The new apartment is certainly a positive development, but I do have some anxiety about it. Things are good between me and PB, but living together is certainly a huge step forward, and it moves our relationship into a different phase. I don't know… it's strange, because sometimes I feel as though I'm not living my life, it's as if I'm watching someone else experience these things – my evolving relationship with PB, and the winding path of school, ultimately leading to a new and exciting career. Renewed concerns about sister and mom's recent health problems have added to the surreal haze. I have moments in which I don't recognize family and friends as family and friends – I see them as people who exist in an unknown plane of existence. They sometimes feel like strangers. Which they could have been had things happened differently. Strange that our mothers, fathers, siblings and friends are affiliations only by accident.

xx