I was already in a bad state before mom's hospitalization. Now things are especially disjointed. I'm experiencing rapidly shifting moods several times an hour. One minute I believe I have a firm foothold on the mind-body existence, and literally minutes later, everything is obliterated and I've no idea who I am. Right now I feel like the freshly blown body of a suicide bomber – my pieces are everywhere and it's chaos chaos chaos. Nothing makes sense.
"Don't forget to breathe."
For the first time in months, maybe years, the urge to cut is tingling my finger tips. I need to penetrate this madness with something defined, a sensation that cannot be ignored, a feeling that cannot be doubted, something that will resonate, something that will stay. Cutting concentrates the weight of the universe into a single slice.
As I type these words I know that later, when these seconds are memory and everything is clear, these words will shame me. But this is my current location. And I'm scared. Lost. People in the clutches of Alzheimer's don't know who they have become, which is a good thing, because if they realized what has become of their memory – the mechanism that forms the structure of their very existence – they would be terrified beyond comprehension. Moments like this I feel like I know just what that terror is.
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment