persuasion

I have a mercurial personality. As soon as I meet someone new or hang with friends I immediately make unconscious comprises with my personality. Like the chameleon I adapt to my surroundings. My mannerisms change; my vocabulary – even my speaking style – changes; the topics I mention for conversation differ; I'll even fabricate lies about myself. The shifts in personality are not subtle; they are vast and contrasting. For example, upon noticing my school textbooks, some coworkers have asked what it is I'm studying. Fearing that word will spread and I will be mocked by some of my male-chauvinist associates, I lie and tell them radiology. (I'm most naked and true to myself when I'm around my girlfriend, which is why I love her so much, but I do find myself occasionally hiding thoughts and desires from her.)

Have I developed this personality because of my private nature? Or is it a fear of rejection? Perhaps I never developed a strong sense of self, which is why I've struggled to belong to, or identify with, a group or scene. I was mocked and ridiculed early in my elementary school years because I wore generic jeans with elastic waists (OK, they weren't real jeans), I had big feet and wore Etonic shoes over those feet. I also constantly made the honor roll. During those years I had no desire to belong to a group. I was perfectly content with wearing dorky clothes and getting good grades. But not caring about those things came with a price, and I eventually focused more on integrating myself and less on school work.

Of course, I never fit in. Still don't. But the mechanisms of my mercurial personality won't be persuaded from trying.

xx