just a few things

I did not visit Bloomington Hospital's Behavioral Health Center as I had hoped. Class and associated work kept me busy for much of Thursday and Friday; however, I completed most of my work for the remainder of the semester, so I will certainly visit the Center this Thursday. The unfortunate aspect of visiting the clinic is I won't see a psychiatrist until July. You walk into the clinic (no appointment needed), your needs are assessed and an according appointment is made. I doubt I'll be classified as high-risk (i.e., risk for suicide, self-injury), so I'll be scheduled with most everyone else, which means I won't see someone until about July.

I'm determined to find an alternate medication. The old habits are back: impulsive behavior, disturbing and irrational thoughts, binge eating, poor sleeping and a hair-trigger temper. The positive component about my current mood is I'm aware that I'm in a funk; I'm practically powerless to change my mood, but at least I'm conscious that this is abnormal behavior. My irrational thoughts are very bizarre, because if I put the dysfunctional thoughts on paper in black and white, I can literally see just how fucked those thoughts are, yet something happens inside my brain, the process of logic and reason gets mutated and I disregard what I see and, instead, believe what I feel, or more precisely, what my brain thinks it feels. Does that make any sense? Probably not.

You know, I'm aware that I have wronged some people. I think everyone has fucked over, albeit accidentally or otherwise, one or two people in their lives. Maybe you didn't realize the full impact of your actions until it was too late; or perhaps passive-aggressive tendencies made you short ____. Whatever the case, there are a few people I have wronged, and I feel great shame when thinking of these individuals because the motives for my actions were not evil or deceitful. I will not craft cunning excuses for those actions; however, I do believe that a certain amount of grace should be granted to me when I have apologized for my irresponsible behavior, especially when this person literally went out of her way to empathize with me during a stressful time. Perhaps my apology was insufficient. Maybe my very correspondence was repugnant.

Speculation blossoms best in the shadows of silence.

xx