-----

When JRo visited me five or six weeks ago, I remember telling him how good (mentally) I was feeling, something like, "I haven't felt this good for a long time." I also recall feeling a twinge of doubt because I could feel a shift slowly forming inside somewhere, as if the tide were about to turn. Since his visit, the tide has been turning, albeit gradually, and news of sister's arrest has pushed me, forced me into a dark corner.

When I enter these phases, all is not dark. There is the occasional glimpse of light, of happiness. (AG, if you read this, when I texted you I was feeling OK, I really was.) As today wore on, the more I contaminated things between L and me. She spent most of the day working on a school assignment, but I needed her, I wanted her attention. See, these phases are especially dreadful when a significant other is involved because I become extremely needy; I want, I need to know that someone needs me as much as I need them. You can imagine how much stress this can cause between two people. But what you cannot imagine is the futility and hopelessness that fills me because ultimately, I must suffer alone. I know that sounds like some melodramatic bullshit, but you need to understand that, in this state, everything is inflated. And I must go this alone because few people can genuinely say, I understand what you are feeling. But that isn't what I want to hear. I don't need empathy. I don't know what I need right now.

Which is why I had to leave, L. You were losing your patience, and I wasn't feeling wanted.

I'm going to bed. Definitely not looking forward to work tomorrow.

xx