deja vu

The darkness has returned. It has been with me for about a week and I cannot explain its presence except to surmise that the medication, which I have been taking for four weeks, is not working as it should. My girlfriend, who knew me when I first encountered Topamax a couple years ago, believes the drug amplifies certain symptoms (most notably, irritability) instead of diminishing them. I certainly cannot dismiss this possibility, especially after the previous week.

Any change of my current treatment will first require a change of doctor. My current "psychiatrist" is a quack. I will not mention specifics relating to this claim, but as an individual who has a history within the psychiatric field (and who has had numerous discussions with others of similar background), you develop a sixth sense for docs who care and those who simply wish to shove a prescription in your pocket and send you on your way.

Regardless of my feelings toward Topamax, I will continue taking it until I can find a different psychiatrist. I'm not looking forward to this pursuit; it can be draining (both psychically and mentally, especially when I'm in a depressive state) and very discouraging...

I just want some semblance of normalcy in my life. I feel so alone at this moment, and it is during these instances that I realize how important friends and family are. I feel so ashamed for my expressions of selfishness and arrogance. That's not me...

xx