last ditch

Over the past 2-3 days my emotional well-being has steadily deteriorated and I now find myself trudging through the familiar, stale waters of apathy and self-loathing.

I could write about my feelings.

I could write about my thoughts.

I could douse this post with the tired words of a manic-depressive.

But why would I choose to expel more of those god damn cliches?

If you want to know how I'm feeling peruse the T.S.TV.S. library (located on the left side of this page). Visit the early entries of this blog, which I began nearly three years ago, and you will find that very little has changed since this blog's inception. Yes, there have been moments of joy. Sparks of hope. Flashes of optimism. But just beyond the frontiers of promise and confidence a darkness has seemingly always been present, masked by shadows. I've struggled with my emotional problems for so many years that the darkness is all that resonates. It's difficult to enjoy the pleasant moments because I'm aware of what lies just under the surface of a smile. A laugh. Those fleeting bursts of peace and contentment.

If I can gather the courage I'm going to join a local depression/bipolar support group. (Meetings occur on the first and third Thursday of every month.) A support group is the only therapeutic method I haven't tried. I've been a patient in a mental hospital. I've seen a psychologist and tried her "paint by numbers" technique. I've seen a psychiatrist and consumed the medications, which were prescribed irresponsibly. I've tried "god" and the various forms thereof (see: Christianity, Judaism, Islam and New Age spirituality). But I haven't tried the group approach. And just for the record, I have no preconceived notions about support groups (aside from the manner in which these groups have been portrayed in novels and films) and I will enter this next chapter with an open -- and hopeful -- mind.

Consider this the last exit of an empty highway.

Consider this the final bend of a rickety roller coaster.

Consider this a last-ditch effort to save me ... from myself.

xx