Oh, and today is my 30th birthday.
More . . .
According to the calendar today is my 30th birthday. When most people reach this age, I suppose they reflect on their personal history. Their past. Their life. I'm not. My life's reflection is constant. I do not need another meaningless birthday to remind me of the failed connections, the lost moments.
I'm going nowhere along with everyone else.The difference between me and them is I see the glaring reality of human existence. I've seen the figure, naked and shameless. The crevices. The scars. The birthmarks. The strands of hair. The crooked teeth. The bones and flesh.
I've also seen the figure clothed and masked. The designer fabrics and styled hair. The reconstructed faces. Larger breasts. Longer stamina. The pursuit of perfection. The god complex.
I've seen the figures of vanity blissfully drowning in the tides of symbolism and sexuality. I've seen the figure distract itself from that glaring reality.
Few will accept the notion that their life is void of reason, void of purpose. Fewer will embrace this fact, and those that do stumble through a world of hollow monuments and false pretenses. It's difficult to retreat from this blinding truth and bathe in the putrid waters of oblivion.
To the believers of the divine, to those who search for the equation of life's purpose and to the agnostic and indifferent I ask this: Do you prefer to believe the magician's act of wondrous magic and mysterious sorcery? Or can you accept that his spectacular show is built on illusions and slight of hand?
We all want to believe in god. In miracles. Purpose. Reason. Love.
A house cannot build itself -- it takes the strength of many men to erect such a structure. And most would agree that life cannot be lived without the belief of god, of purpose, of reason, of love -- myths that man has assembled and shaped centuries ago. And in this age of mental illness and medication, the skeptic can easily conclude that the bible is full of undiagnosed schizophrenics and users of hallucinogenic compounds.
If you're not a believer of such holy texts you may still maintain that life has meaning. It has to. This rationale exists because your consciousness won't allow you to believe otherwise. Consciousness: man's greatest gift. Consciousness: man's greatest curse. Consciousness: evolution's death knell.
We all wish to live in the Technicolor world of Oz. A world of magic. Mystery. Wonder. Love. A world in which we search for the heart, the strength, the courage to persevere and thrive. Attain something greater than ourselves. But in the distance, in the shadows of your cluttered mind lies a curtain. The curtain of disillusionment. Do you dare peel back that curtain? Can you? Or are you afraid of what lurks behind the drapery?"There's no place like home."
"There's no place like home."
There's no safety like the security of disillusionment.
xx
2 comments:
MC-
I just read this post and felt somewhat compelled to comment...
You and I have talked many times about the subjects of religion and the afterlife, and as you know, I have considered myself agnostic for quite some time. I was raised Catholic, but as I grew older and began to develop my own thoughts on religion/spirituality, I found myself at odds with a number of issues within the church. I still however never lost my belief in an afterlife, or at least something more than we currently know as existence. My reasons for this are many. First of all, I will preface this by admitting that you could be right. It is possible that this life we lead and this world we inhabit are all that we will ever know. We could very well be, as Bill Hicks described the human race, a "virus with shoes". But I just don't share that view.
While I don't subscribe to any set religion, and feel that religion often does more harm than good, I still feel that there is something after this. In my opinion, there have been far too many examples of supernatural occurances throughout human history to simply classify them ALL as Man's imagination getting carried away. To view them as such is, in my opinion, a very arrogant and short-sighted view (absolutely no offense meant to your point of view by making that statement). Do I hold my beliefs in order to give life some sort of meaning, to have something to cling to in order for it to all make sense? I don't think so. I've already admitted that it is possible that you are right (and I hope that perhaps you can admit that there is at least a 0.0000001% chance that you could be wrong). But if in fact you are correct...well at least I enjoyed my time here as best I could and got to experience the wonder that is life. And after it's all over, I will have no consciousness to tell me that I was wrong, that I lived my life under the false pretenses of something more. But on the other hand, if I'm right...
Life is not always pretty, and the shallowness of modern society can sometimes become almost overwhelming...but there is still a strange wonder to it all. I experience that wonder every time I hear a piece of music or view a piece of art or a film that moves me. Or even in something as simple as playing with a puppy or watching a young child interact with the world. Life is a gift that we are given. And assuming that you are correct and there is nothing else but this and I was offered a chance to exist or to not exist...without question I would choose to exist, to at least, for a short time, get to experience what it is to be human. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens. The victories, the defeats. The pain and misery, the pure joy and happiness. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour.
When I read your recent post regarding your parents' divorce and your childhoood, it brought back vivid memories of my own. In many ways we shared a similar childhood. I remembered my mother locked in her room, crying uncontrollably night upon night (she didn't want the divorce), while my sister and I sat downstairs pretending not to hear her sobs. I remembered listening to my parents argue with each other, to the point of shouting, over who would get what in their divorce precedings. I remembered helping my father move into his new apartment in Anderson and meeting his new girlfriend for the first time, and the surreal feelings the experience brought. I remembered how I felt that everything I knew as safe and secure was suddenly uprooted and changed. But I also remembered the first time that I saw my parents as people and not my parents. As you said, they are just that, people doing the best that they can under the circumstances. Childhood is, in many ways, an illusion. It is all that we know until we mature and grow as people, and it shapes us greatly during our most formulative years. But it does not define us. There comes a point when you see your parents as people, when you learn that the man down the street held extremely dark and terrible secrets, that life isn't as easy or safe as we once imagined. But this is life. It's all part of maturing and growing as a person (and in my opinion as a soul). And even though you and I both dealt with some difficult times and realities during childhood, I consider both of us to be pretty lucky. There are children in this world who don't ever know their parents. Who are beaten and abused by their parents. Who wonder where and when they will find their next meal. I consider us pretty lucky under the circumstances. And it pains me greatly to see one of my good friends, someone who I hold in such high regard as you, to be so burdened and tortured by the experiences of your past. Chris, you have more talent and intelligence than 99.9% of all of the people I have known in my life. The music you have created, the words you have written, the person you are...I don't think you realize what a gift you have. When I first met you at your old place in Anderson and got to know you a bit more, my main thought was, "The sky is the limit with this guy. He can achieve anything he puts his mind to". And I still see that potential in you. As Chrissy would say, you're just "One of those people. You just see it in certain people. They simply have it or they don't". You have it my friend. And I hope and pray that one day it will be realized to its full potential.
Anyhow, this comment is running rather long, so I will close it with a poem that I often refer to. It's entitled Desiderata, and it often helps me make sense of and find balance in life when things aren't going so well. The link is below. Again, happy 30th (I'll be joining you a week from today) and I hope you can make it up to Indy next weekend. Take care bro.
http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html
Well said D! I totally agree! So now that you've heard it from both of us, I hope you will start believing in yourself the way we believe in you. I know I can speak for D when I say the reason we tell you these things is because we truly and honestly care about you. You may not feel that your life has much value, but we do! Why can't that be enough? Please, just let that be enough, at least for now.
-C
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