morning of monday

It's Monday morning and, like Sunday morning, I awoke with an unfounded sense of optimism. I'm hopeful today won't unravel as Sunday did.

JRo failed to visit me. Yesterday he called and left a message stating that while he wouldn't be able to see me, there were some things he wanted to discuss. His phone call and potential visit weren't coincidental -- he was seeking to talk me down, pull me from the ledge and ease my ... my malaise. But I would deny deny deny. Compartmentalize the pieces of my identity that long for peace and erasure. An end.

Throughout the years I've perfected the art of compartmentalization -- I'll become what you desire. I'll flash a smile and eject a laugh from the shallow pit of my belly. "What? No ... no ... everything is fine." Revealing my true self and addressing the cancerous urges that cling to my soul is very difficult, because when I open the wounds to another person I'm also opening those wounds to myself. My tongue turns numb. Words fail. So I turn away. Deny. It's much easier to become the person my friends and family wish to see. Wear the mask and play the role I've taught myself.

xx

"How to Fight Loneliness" by Wilco

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth 'til meaningless
Sharpen them with lies

And whatever's going down
Will follow you around
That's how you fight loneliness
You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke
And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile ...