apologies (two)

I'm unsure if MK still visits this blog. If she does not then a great deal of this post will have been written in vain, floating somewhere in cyberspace; alternatively, if she does read the following words I hope any animosity or ill will will be put to rest.

MK, I'm so sorry for my lack of judgement. I know our interaction, albeit brief, occurred well over a year ago, but I'm still disturbed, and, if I'm honest with myself, haunted by what transpired between us.

My desperation ... My need for the love, the attention, the admiration of the opposite sex wouldn't allow me to grasp the gravity of your circumstance and the harm my selfish desires were causing within your relationship. This is not to say I didn't care about you. I did. Very much so. And considering the true nature of your situation, I cared about you too much.

(I wish I could say that you've become a distant memory, something cataloged deep within the depths of my mind ... something colored with a degree of indifference. But such is not the case. I still think about you [more than I care to admit], but certain people, certain experiences remain and roam the corridors of one's mind -- a ghost, a force, a spirit that refuses exorcism.)

I also want to apologize for failing to respond to the e-mail you sent several months ago. My shame and guilt prevented me from responding; I wasn't even sure if a response was needed -- I did not want to add insult to injury.

Regardless, I sincerely hope you are happy and I wish you and your young family the best.

To Lisa: It's difficult to find the words to address you. Our friendship and relationship were very harmful to you and me. I wish I could explain why and how such toxicity developed between us. But I cannot.

All you wanted was a deep and meaningful relationship with me but I ... didn't? Perhaps I did but, for reasons unknown, I wouldn't allow such a thing to blossom. I cannot honestly offer a cause for our disintegration. And if I could, what difference would it make? I can, however, tell you that you are free from blame. There is nothing you could have done to alter the outcome of our relationship.

I hate myself for even addressing you in this post. Your final text message was inexcusable however true your words were. But I'm obligated to give you -- someone who expended a tremendous amount of patience and mental strength -- something: an apology, an explanation, a goodbye, something to bury the bitterness and failure.

I'm sorry this fuck-up disappointed you.

I'm sorry this fuck-up broke your heart so many times.

I hope you find that which has eluded you. Perhaps you have discovered that feeling, that person who can comfort you. The touch. The words. Love. A sense of belonging. Peace.

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All I have are my words, my thoughts. Everything else is a relic. A fossilized testament of the past. An experience never to be realized again. A kiss. An embrace. The simple yet fleeting feeling of touch. Desire. Sensations which cannot be revived, for the brutality of time has taken them from me. Out of reach. A distant constellation. A bitter reminder of a moment ... a segment of time and space.

Gone.

Forever.

xx