retreat

She said goodbye and exited my car. I watched her until she disappeared around the corner of her front porch, put the car in gear and slowly drove off.
Not even a kiss, a kiss goodbye.
It was only noon and I was leaving. I nearly left the night before but settled myself down and stayed the night. L recently moved to _____ (about an hour and twenty minute drive from my place) with two friends and this was my first weekend there.
Why the early departure? It's difficult to explain. Or is it? I simply enjoy the comforts and the familiarity of my apartment; my apartment is my home and I enjoy the safety (figuratively speaking) of my surroundings. I feel secure here. Here inside my bubble. The sounds, the smells and the feeling of apartment #1580 mean no surprises. The faces are known. The faces are familiar. I trust the faces. The faces are few.
In _____ I felt temporary. A stranger. Foreign surroundings in an unfamiliar town. L's hospitality provided many moments of valuable peace (I don't want to leave the impression that the entire weekend was hell -- it wasn't). I love L like I've never loved a girl before. She has showered me with love and kindness like no other, and I know I broke her heart leaving at such an early hour but my bones were yearning to retreat and I had to leave. I had to. I would have lost my head if I remained. There is absolutely nothing she could have done to make me stay; my decision to leave was based on my neurotic behavior/habits.
And now there is this strain between the two of us. I wish I wasn't such a neurotic fuck-up, and I'm afraid my inadequacies will be the death of our relationship.
I'm in #1580 chain-smoking cigarettes like tomorrow isn't coming and I'm wondering what will become of us.
Is love enough?

mc