disambiguation

If I'm completely honest with Dr. F. about my mental situation I will be "involuntarily committed" to a mental hospital/program. I came to this conclusion after researching Indiana's laws and protocols regarding the matter. While I don't consider myself a "threat" to others I'm certainly a "threat" to myself. I'm extremely hesitant about taking pharmaceuticals to address my situation; I'm totally against any form of inpatient/outpatient treatment.
I don't know where to go from here.
As my appointment nears I'm feeling trapped. Cornered. Threatened.
When the concept of death/dying/suicide is a daily thought and constant presence, one forms a symbiotic relationship with the notion and explores it with a logical and inquisitive mind. It's difficult, if not impossible, to fathom the reality of nonexistence. It's also painfully difficult to imagine the pain and heartache one leaves with his or her permanent absence.
Fuck.
I don't know.
I want to disappear.
No new beginning.
No ending.
Just disintegration.
A complete and total removal from everyone and everything.

mc