flash

My friendships and relationships have been like a kaleidoscope: brilliant colors glimmer and shine briefly, only to turn, shift and transform into something unrecognizable, foreign, fading to nothing. And a memory is formed. The faces, unforgettable. Always. "I won't forget you."
She's gone now. Her absence only confirms my fear of trusting another soul. I cut myself open and exposed all those secret places that I hide from everyone else. I sliced open old scars, let them bleed into her; I revealed fresh insecurities, she was assurance.
And now she's gone.
No one will ever know the amount of strength I expend attempting to establish something, anything with a new face. I thought I had established something meaningful with her. A foundation, a floor, a bridge, something steady and durable, something to silence the fear, the doubt, the insecurities, the static -- a remedy.
I shared with her the most intimate of secrets, ghosts that had never been exposed, ghosts that now haunt me more than ever because they've been leaked into her heart, a sacred vessel I thought to be secure. Safe. And trustworthy.
And now she is gone.
And now there's this disconnection.
And now those secrets, those ghosts have become unmanageable particles, dust catching rays of distant light, floating through my fingers and out of reach, swimming in her heart. Those untamed secrets -- pieces of me -- drift, unprotected.
I feel exposed. Ashamed. Foolish. Naked. Exploited. Alone. I feel like the unsuspecting talk show ghost who has been bombarded with an embarrassing monster from the past. I feel like an obscene caricature, a forgettable punchline from a bar room joke because I was naive enough to suspend my fears and trust her.
She was a strange juror and I was at her mercy.
The jewels of dependability, assurance, love, trust, safety, reciprocation and peace glimmered in her beautiful eyes (the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen), crumbling my defenses and numbing my instincts. My heart now bares the scars of retribution.
Alone tonight, my mind flickers with the fleeting memory of a glimpse, a taste of what I longed for. And now she's gone. A memory. A postcard. "Wish you were here." I was, but for a flash.
"I won't forget you."

mc