navigating

2.02 pm, 1 February 2006 - navigating this 40 foot ship over oceans of asphalt

It hasn't been a good day thus far.
There was something about the way She left this morning...I felt small and crumpled in my bed as I heard Her go. The front door closes. Her car door closes. Engine starts. Engine fades as She pulls away. I'm left alone in the dark feeling down, rejected, dejected, uneasy.
I remember something She said to me last night: "Don't read into it too much."
I feel like the contrary of Kind Midas; everything I touch turns to shit. Okay, maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but the things I deeply care about, the things I really don't want to fuck up, I somehow find a way to break. Sometimes it seems like I subconsciously plant booby traps just to have them spring into action and sabotage me at a later date, when I'm most vulernable. I'm left with hands tied, a puzzled expression and the words "I'm sorry" stumbling from my mouth once again. My intentions are always pure and true but something happens, something corrupts them.
"Don't read into it too much."
I feel another headache brewing and I want to disappear. I don't deserve Her as a friend, much less something more. I don't feel like I deserve anyone who will make me feel special, appreciated, or equal for that matter.
On one hand, I've been on the receiving end of a lot of bullshit and heartache throughout my life; unjustified bullshit that can be chalked up as wrong place, wrong time, wrong life. Am I not deserving of a loving presence? And if not a loving one, then why not a warm and caring soul?
Then I think of my inadvertent "bull in a china shop" mentality when it comes to dealing with friends and strangers, especially females that I have an affinity for. I have the uncanny ability to butcher a masterpiece and stab a room of silence with obscene static. Why this inability to simply appreciate "the moment?" Do I truly deserve that caring presence? Who wants to be the unwilling passenger in a relationship that's seemingly based on upheaval and restlessness?
"Don't read into it too much," She said.
It sounds so simple, Dear.
I'm trying...r e l e a s e...I'm trying (to release).

mc