dust and sand

There's nothing left to say. I've tried to say "I'm sorry" so many ways, so many times. I'm getting what I deserve. I treat all my friends like shit - at least M is willing to throw the shit back in my face.
J Ro, AA, D, J Kiss - I'm lucky to have you guys but if you want to get something off of your chest now is the time. I used to be friends with Eric but I fucked that up. I tried to fuck up my relationship with J Ro and Matt but somehow they were able to forgive and forget. But no one truly forgets do they?
I don't think it's a coincidence that I live nearly 2 hours from the people I call friends.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the people I call friends rarely, if ever, visit. The periodic phone calls are nice though.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I've been unable to establish and maintain a new friendship in several years.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the family situation seems to be in a constant state of degeneration.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the phrase "I can't wait to die" popped into my head a few days ago. Sporadically I'll hear the echo.

Yes, I know this self-loathing is fucking pathetic. I'm sure some might even be saying, "Get a gun and a bullet and get it over with, for Christ's sake." Whatever. Somewhere in my pocket I have a grain of sand. That grain of sand is my hope. Occasionally I'll find another grain of sand in the sound of a note, or in the vowel of a word, or in the eye of a girl. The trick is distinguishing the bits of dust from the grains of sand.

mc