the trembling anticipation

Tomorrow at 330pm I will have my first (and last?) appointment with psychologist Dr. S; this date could not come soon enough. The last hour of work today was completely insane. I felt like a flag flying from its last thread in a hurricane. [Why are you doing this to yourself? You know this is a self-imposed exile, don't you?]
Before I came home I had to stop by Osco's to pick up a few things. I held up my hand in front of my face.
"Jesus, am I shaking?" I asked myself.
I wasn't, but a trembling sensation rattled my entire body, inside and out. I found myself gazing at a wall of colorful cereal boxes.
"Okay, okay...Why did I come here? Don't need cereal. What am I looking for?"
The entire experience was surreal. There are some things in life that words cannot explain adequately. Terrifying, exhilarating...I don't know what it was.
Through the freezing rain I sped home. Everything cold. The key to the front door (trembling). The rain on my face. The air. The body. The soul. Cold.
Pick up the telephone. The dial tone flashes and then flatlines. Check the voicemail.
"You have one new message," the electronic lady says.
It's some goddamned automatic political message. I'm sick of the agendas. The voices. The noise. All noise.
Check the email. No new messages.
Turn on the television. "Seinfeld" is on. I try to laugh. I try to loosen up.
No whiskey. No. Not now.
It took an hour to settle down.

A few hours later and here I am at the keyboard.
I'm really nervous about my date with Dr. S tomorrow. I talked to her briefly on the phone last week. Her voice was rather soothing. I suppose I'm looking forward to the appointment. This is hard because I don't like entering situations where I don't know what to expect.
What will her office look like?
What will she look like?
How old is she?
What questions will I have to answer?
What should I wear?
Something comfortable, yes. Loose fitting clothes because my insides will be Saran Wrap tight.
I'm afraid of feeling like some kind of laboratory animal. Poking and prodding the animal. Stimulate the creature and see what it tells you. Record the observations. Don't worry about how the creature feels.
I better stop this line of thought before I talk myself out of the appointment.
We'll see what happens.
For better of worse.
Stimulate the creature and see what it tells you...if anything.

mc