return?

Too many posts. Too many useless words. I'm tired of retreating to this space like some kind of fox hole. I'm not taking cover from anything. Shrapnel is flying all over the place and it all seems to be hitting me, opening up tiny wounds all over my dying body. The blood is getting in my eyes...I can taste it trickling into my mouth...And I wonder, what the fuck happened?
I'm bleeding on everyone and they're all growing weary...Tired of hearing another pathetic story from the trenches.
"You've exposed yourself right in the line of fire!" some soldier yells through the gunfire.
"Yes. I know," I reply softly.
Too softly. He can't hear me. Wouldn't want him to.
"Why are you so goddamned needy? You know, I hear you bitch and moan about being alone, and all this 'longing' garbage, give me a fucking break, man! Do you think anyone, especially a girl looking for some kind of relationship, wants to live in a wasteland? Doctors are supposed to isolate the cancer - you want to spread it all over the fucking place! And then you say..." some voice from somewhere trails off.
I'm aware that I'm bleeding on everyone but I can't stop the flow. The blood doesn't clot. I can't stop it.
Strangers and friends share the same face. I no longer know how to act. Like some blind-hearted fool I spilled everything to M. Poor M. Such a horrible position to put someone else in. How can I communicate with her when she knows how I feel about her? I feel like the poor soul strapped into the guillotine on the town's square exposed in front of everyone. Mock me. Throw your garbage. There is nothing left to hide. So naked.
I don't want that skeleton of pity hiding behind the faces of the familiar. Be friendly, act like everything is okay, realize the person you're talking to is a pathetic piece of shit and there is nothing that you can say or do to repair this. So fucking lovely.
Am I looking for pity? No, I really don't think I am.
I don't know what I'm looking for. Should I even be searching? Yes. There is a bridge in desperate need of repair inside the cage inside of this chest. Vehicles keep falling through. And falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and...


mc