a defense mechanism

psy-chol-o-gy
n, The science that deals with mental processes and behavior.

de-fense mech-a-nism
n, Any of various usually unconscious mental processes, including denial, projection, rationalization, and repression, that protect the ego from shame, anxiety, conflict, loss of self-esteem, or other unacceptable feelings or thoughts.


I've made a tentative appointment to see a psychologist next week. I don't know what I hope to gain from this meeting. I'm an old dog (old enough, anyway) and none of the tricks of the psychology field intrigue me, but I'm in desperate need of repair, or at least an improvement, so we'll see what happens.
The following is from my little black memo book. I carry this book with me wherever I go. I wrote this while in the throes of one of my tornadoes.

THE FEAR
i think part, if not all, of this fear is caused by part of my personality realizing that i've made an island of myself. i tell myself that if all else fails i won't need anyone but myself. out of this i create a facade for friends and family to see. ostensibly, i want them to get the impression that "mc has his shit together." but this "tough" exterior is bullshit. the facade is cracking. inside i'm a scared little boy who is afraid of being completely alone. this fear turns into anxiety which turns into doubt which turns into anger...hatred...self-loathing.
this hatred is used to justify my flawed philosophy.
even if i know my feelings/philosophy is false, i'm unable to retreat from it. if you're raised to see the colour blue as red you will believe it, regardless of what the evidence of reality says. blue as red has been instilled into your mind/reality. retreating from this philosophy would also be a sign of weakness which contradicts the feelings used to hold the facade together. the psychology of mc is a veritable catch-22.
this subconsciously created island is a defense mechanism. the ridicule from my youth sprung this mechanism...i have absolutely no doubt about this. why did the ridicule stick to and agitate the development of my personality? i understand childhood ridicule is a part of growing up but this treatment had a profound and damaging affect on me. small problems/difficulties that most people chalk up to "don't sweat the small stuff" material sticks to me...it festers...it's a cancer. it gets inside of my head and extends its claws deep into my mind. what starts as a snowflake quickly becomes an avalanche. words cannot describe the seething rage that wells up inside. headaches and nausea result. i used to believe that this flaw was simply a part of my personality. it's a manageable flaw so what's the big deal? i used to think. i have the bull by the horns but my grip is beginning to slip. i'm afraid this rage will erupt with undesirable consequences. this is why i'm beginning to seek help.

I'm sure I'll revisit this topic later...Right now I'm sick of thinking about it...

mc