an invitation

on thursday i received an invite from this girl i "know" for a party saturday nite. it's 1146pm and i'm back home so needless to say the whole thing was disappointing....actually depressing. when she asked me to come to the party i was dumbfounded. i thought she might have some interest in me, but of course no. the invitation girl was already three sheets to the wind when i showed up a 9 o'clock. i then knew that i had fooled myself once again. most of the people there were burnouts....the others were future burnouts. a 14 year old girl (yes, she was actually 14) and her friend were waiting for this 30 year-old to go on an alcohol run....this huge pig-of-a-man (with shirt unbuttoned and 200 hairy pounds exposed to the elements) was waiting for some pills......an hour earlier a man (whom i would not want to meet in a darkened alley) showed up with some pharmaceuticals for eager, shaky hands (their eyes were XXs like unconscious cartoon characters)......i tried to be friendly, talkative and i think i succeeded in this, but after two and a half hours of the act i became sad and looked for an out. i left without saying goodbye to anyone (a habit of mine, i hate the process of saying them). the drive home was this:

a man shaking his head.....he doesnt understand why these kinds of things happen to him...cursing the cosmos for setting the mouse-trap once again...cursing himself for thinking a girl would have a valid interest in him.

i dont know....no actually i do know, sort of......how i have become this broken, despondent man. maybe this is how it is supposed to be.....this IS how it is supposed to be, otherwise it would be different. the one thing i want so much is that other body, that other presence, that touch of the fingertips on my arm. i honestly dont think that presence will pair with mine. ive told my mom, sister, friends this and they all respond with the obligatory "oh stop it, you're a nice guy and you will eventually find her blah blah blah." this came up in a recent conversation with my mom and she asked me if i was happy being single and i gave an honest response of yes, i am happy. if my life was a movie im sure the audience would feel sorry for me. the bus driver and his nights spent alone in his apartment with the internet, video games, television, music, books. but this is me. i am satisfied as much as one can be satisfied. this satisfaction comes with accepting certain things. ive found a common theme through my blog entries. it revolves around KNOWING WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE. we are deluged with images of surplus perfection....becoming more by refuting the pieces of our identities that dont match a hollywood sitcom glossy magazine cover reality. i NEVER had the desire to go to college even though all sorts of people were pressuring me from elementary school through high school. occasionally i will bump into friends from high school and they ask, "so what are you doing these days?" "i work for bloomington transit driving a bus." "oh (an irritating pause and then) how is that working out for you?" and so on and so on.......shouldnt the real question be, ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE? yes, i am happy with my life. are there certain things i wish i could change? of course, who doesnt?

okay.....while this entry began on a sour note i am now feeling okay about things...its so easy for me, and i think everyone, to forget about the core pieces of our identities......the very act of BEING is remarkable.....its so remarkable that most of us forget that the face that reflects in the mirror is our own.....and we are real.

mc