words

Earlier today I received an e-mail from a dear friend. The message was exquisitely timed because the friend's words eased much of the doubt and anxiety that have been troubling me lately.

AG's e-mail was one of the more profound messages I have ever read, not because of what she said, but what she didn't say.

We should never forget, nor should we underestimate, our ability to encourage and inspire our friends. After a period of time we find ourselves living in a comfort zone with friends and loved ones; it's a zone in which we make assumptions about our relationships and the inner workings thereof. We find ourselves mincing words because we assume our feelings are mutual. And they probably are. But to utter those emotions, those beliefs, those feelings, those words, is to remind and reinvigorate that which we may have forgotten.

Thanks, AG.

xx

take one tablet twice daily

First dose was administered approximately two hours ago. I hope today marks an end to the cycle and a return to sanity.

xx

present

I'm still here. My blogging presence has been sporadic recently because I've been struggling with a depressive episode for the past few weeks. I enjoyed an episode-free span of about four months; I can only hope that my current spell is nearing its end.

My current episode has sparked many familiar memories -- and none of those memories are good. I remember my first bipolar support group meeting (I haven't attended a meeting in about two months). I saw these people -- broken men and stricken women -- and I remember telling myself, No, I'm not one of them and I won't become one of them; I will not let this illness ravage my life because my conviction and determination have been culled from that which is undeniable and irrefutable.

But that confidence was bogus.

I am "one of them." I cannot will this illness away. It is not something I can purge from my belly. And when this illness ebbs, which it inevitably does, I must not fool myself by believing I am silencing it -- because I'm not. This sickness is oblivious to my actions.

What should I do? What can I do?

I can maintain my current form of treatment, which, essentially, is nontreatment, and, during my depressive states, become a highly irritable and easily frustrated person who resents "normal" people because I am angry about the choices I have made and where those choices have led me. I project this anger onto others because I need to blame someone for my illness; I can't blame myself because I didn't ask for this sickness, this disease. This illness was not born from reprehensible behavior. Did a genetic predisposition curse me? Or did an abnormal brain development damn me? Whatever the case, the depressive turns transform me into a loathsome monster: I drink heavily; I binge eat; my sleep is disrupted, which exacerbates my irritability; and my mind is preoccupied with disturbing thoughts.

Or I can return to a form of treatment that includes pharmaceuticals. I've been a strong opponent of psychoactive drugs, and while I still believe these drugs are overprescribed, it would be shortsighted of me to discount the benefits these drugs can offer.

I see now that many of the ideals and principles I embraced during my early- to mid-twenties were brash and baseless. Many of those beliefs were products of a manic mind and a stubborn individual, and therefore lacked the necessary ingredients of any belief system: logic and reason. One cannot hope that determination alone will provide sufficient strength to achieve one's goals. Certainly, willpower will nurture the path to accomplishment, but without a foundation, without structure, failure and disappointment await.

I'm sure many find this maxim obvious, but for the individual who suffers from manic and depressive spells (he or she tends to act impulsively), this invaluable foresight is lacking.

As I learn more about my illness and acquire the wisdom that comes with age, I'm slowly learning how to live -- healthily and independently. Obviously, I wish I had learned these lessons ten years ago. It's easy to allow the knowledge of a wasted decade deter me from changing my ways, but I have to persevere. Either I survive through a principle of persistence or parish from a disposition of self-loathing.

xx

through the pattern of noise and language

And so you search. You attempt to find something under their words. And this person -- this loved one, this friend, this person who is merely an acquaintance -- is speaking to you. And your mind, the subconscious component of your mind, is analyzing, surveying the words and the thoughts and ideas conveyed by these words for justification -- a vindication for your paltry, sad and selfish behavior. And the words are pouring from his or her lips -- the nouns, the verbs, all of it just filling your ears and then, through the pattern of noise and language, you find it. You cling to it. It being the reason, this nugget of humanity, of human frailty. Like some crazed hunter of beast and peasant, you pin it to the painted cardboard scenery, the artificial background of some Hollywood monstrosity that is life and

you crucify it. You smother yourself in the blood and excrement and milky fluid of this life... this being... this perceived animation of all that is real and you grasp it, you drink from it as if it were the tit of some holy mother... you drown yourself in the pious splendor of mother's milk. But you are so broken and damaged that you cannot see what you are doing or what you have become. Your eyes have been stained and raped by the blinking circus of technology; your senses dulled by pharmacology's response to the Modern American Condition. Perhaps you do see it -- rarely. Perhaps you catch yourself in the mirror; a fleeting glimpse of the being that occupies your body... under the skin and behind the cosmetically adjusted structure, you see it. A flash. But you don't dare acknowledge it. No, it was a trick of light and shadow. No, that wasn't me. But it is you... it's all over you, inside you. And so you seek defense. An explanation. An excuse for your actions and doings. Indeed, it is a subconscious search, a desire required by the broken pattern of your behavior, your identity, but, nonetheless, you scour and search for proof, for validity of your existence inside the words of

this person... this person speaking to you... the lover... the stranger. Because if he or she speaks of a trait, a piece you can grasp and identify, it must therefore prove your essence... that detestable nucleus of your actuality.

xx

blue revolution

It was close, but for the first time since 1964 Indiana was won by a Democratic presidential candidate. And the Hoosier state wasn't the only traditionally red state to turn blue. Iowa, North Carolina and Virginia all fell into the Obama column.

The following numbers appropriately frame Obama's historic run. He didn't just outperform his two Democratic predecessors (Al Gore in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004), he blew them away.

Indiana

Obama won: 50% to 49%

Kerry lost: 39% to 60%

Gore lost: 41% to 57%

Florida

Obama won: 51%-49%

Kerry lost: 47% to 52%

Gore "lost:" 49% to 49%

North Carolina

Obama won: 50% to 49%

Kerry lost: 44% to 56%

Gore lost: 43% to 56%

Virginia

Obama won: 52% to 47%

Kerry lost: 45% to 54%

Gore lost: 45% to 52%

Pennsylvania

Obama won: 55% to 44%

Kerry won: 51% to 49%

Gore won: 51% to 47%

Ohio

Obama won: 51% to 47%

Kerry lost 49% to 51%

Gore lost 46% to 50%

Colorado

Obama won: 53% to 46%

Kerry lost: 47% to 52%

Gore lost: 42% to 51%

New Mexico

Obama won: 57% to 42%

Kerry lost: 49% to 50%

Gore won: 48% to 48%

Nevada

Obama won: 55% to 43%

Kerry lost: 48% to 51%

Gore lost: 46% to 49%

chosen

live election feed

Well, the day has come. I hope you fulfilled your patriotic duty and voted.

Throughout the evening I'll be updating this post with relevant -- well, what I deem relevant -- election news and other info. The map below, which will remain at the top of this post, will offer real-time election results; select a state to view county-by-county results, and view House and Senate races using the dropdown toolbar.

Will Indiana, my state of residence, go blue for the first time since '64? Stay tuned to find out!

Scroll down for live updates!



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10.24PM EST

Two senior McCain aides tell CNN's Dana Bash they see "no path to victory" given the results thus far.

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10.19PM EST

The Huffington Post declares: "President-Elect Obama"

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09.56PM EST

Holy cow. With over 40 million votes tabulated, Obama is winning the popular vote by just 292,308 votes.

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09.47PM EST

Things are looking very glum for the McCain camp. McCain must capture Florida to stay alive; with 59% of the precincts reporting, McCain trails Obama by 182,000 votes.

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09.36PM EST

Is this the McCain/Palin death knell? The networks project Obama wins the 20 electoral votes of Ohio. This gives Obama 194 electoral votes compared to McCain's 69. No Republican president has ever captured the presidency without winning Ohio.

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08.30PM EST

Total votes:

Obama 5,212,326
McCain 4,796,438

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08.05PM EST

The major networks are projecting Obama victories in the following states: Massachusetts, Illinois, Connecticut, New Jersey, Maine (3 of 4 electoral votes), Delaware, Maryland and the District of Columbia. McCain is projected to win Oklahoma and Tennessee.

Indiana is STILL too close to call!

The projected electoral vote count is Obama 77, McCain 34. The winning candidate must capture 270 electoral votes to win the presidency.

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07.09PM EST

The major networks are projecting a McCain win in Kentucky and an Obama victory in Vermont. With 5% of Indiana precincts reporting, McCain trails Obama by approximately 4,000 votes. In other Hoosier news, incumbent Governor Mitch Daniels (R) is projected to beat Democrat Jill Long Thompson.

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06.30PM EST

Early results are tricking in... McCain will win Kentucky (no surprise) and Obama has an early lead in Indiana.

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05.55PM EST

From CNN... Final hour of desperation: Robocalls (from the McCain/Palin campaign) targeting Cuban-Americans have been pouring into Florida over the past two hours. The calls compare Obama to Fidel Castro and urge Cuban-Americans to "avoid establishing in the United States political policies like those of Cuba" and vote McCain.

05.44PM EST

CNN's exit polling shows that 72% of new voters voted Obama.
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05.32PM EST

More national exit poll results:

9% said terrorism is the top issue

86% who said terrorism is the top issue voted for McCain

(Source: CNN)
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05.22PM EST

National exit polls:

62% said economy is the top issue

10% said Iraq is the top issue

63% who said Iraq is the top issue voted for Obama

32% who said Iraq is the top issue voted for McCain

(Source: CNN)

VOTE tomorrow

Tomorrow is arguably the most important Election Day of our lifetime. I don't need to tell you why. But I would like to tell you one thing: vote. Please.

If you don't know where to vote, please visit this special Google Maps page. Just enter your home address and Google will do the rest. If your polling place is not in Google's database, Google will provide a link to your state's voter registration site where all your necessary info is just a click away.

And please, BE PATIENT. A record voter turnout is expected, so you may have to wait a considerable amount of time to cast your vote. Bring a book, a magazine or your iPod to pass the time.

If you experience or witness ANY problem with the voting process, call 1.877.GO CNN.08. The CNN Voter Hotline is in coordination with InfoVoter Technologies. Once you record your message on the hotline, InfoVoter Technologies will transfer your call to your state or local board of election office. Visit the CNN/InfoVoter page here for more info.

VOTE!