no surprises

Another week, another trip to the hospital for mom. She was readmitted after vomiting blood (the result of esophageal varices), which has been the sole culprit of her recent hospital stays. An ultrasound was performed on her abdomen, revealing a pocket of fluid in her stomach. Ascites, the medical term for her condition, can be caused by a number of medical problems, but the most common causes are cirrhosis and severe liver disease. Mom told me several tests will be performed on the fluid, which should pinpoint a cause for its presence. The common link between esophageal varices and ascites is impaired liver function, so, in my view, the only question is, How bad is the damage? I'm trying to remain optimistic, but it's difficult. Countless scenarios – some of them morbid, all of them dark – have passed through my mind during the past few weeks. I try to avoid silence, especially at night, in bed, because my mind tends to wander into those darker channels, and once the thoughts begin to reverberate, it's near impossible to suppress them.

xx

rollin’ in an escalade

The 2010 Cadillac Escalade ESV is an $80,000 automobile. Eighty-thousand dollars. For a transportation vehicle. I am told that, as Americans, we have the "right" to purchase such obscene automobiles. Just as we have the "right" to purchase trash food like McDonald's Big Mac or KFC's Double Down. Yet as Americans, we do not have the right to quality, affordable health care. (Although I believe the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, which was signed into law earlier this year, is a step in the right direction, I believe true reform begins with a government option; the health-insurance industry should not be a for-profit industry.) And as Americans, we do not have the right to food and shelter. According to a recent Harvard study, nearly 45,000 Americans die annually because they lack health insurance. A 2009 study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture found that 49 million Americans, including nearly 17 million children were food insecure. (Food insecurity is defined as the availability of nutritious food and one's access to it.) And a 2007 study by the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty found that approximately 3.5 million people, 1.35 million of them children, are likely to experience homelessness in a given year. The world's wealthiest nation allows its own citizens to suffer and die because they lack access to the fundamental services of survival. Yet Americans have the right to an $80,000 machine whose sole purpose is transportation? A society that allows such egregious expressions of wealth is corrupt to the core; such societies care not for those who suffer without, but cater to those whose cash serves as an accessory to their gluttonous lifestyle.

The higher class view those without not as victims of capitalism's vicious dog-eat-dog mentality, which they are, but as victims of their own circumstances. The poor are poor because they lack the initiative, the desire to better themselves, the higher class will claim. This theory certainly holds true for a minority of the lower class, but to claim that every being living in poverty is deserving of such status is absurd, especially in 2010 America, in which millions are struggling with the harsh realities of unemployment and millions more are underemployed. Further millions have been raised in poverty – before they were of the age to differentiate a spade from a diamond they faced a stacked deck. Again, the privileged see the gulf between classes in very simplistic terms: those who can do for themselves have achieved their status, and those who fail to do for themselves – never mind the psychological implications of a poverty-rich childhood – have chosen their lower-class reality. It is not a coincidence that many who hold such ignorant perspectives align themselves with The Right; further, many who align themselves with The Right are Christians, who, not coincidently, view the very existence of our species through the simplistic prism of the Bible and creationism, believing that "the heavens and the earth" were created in six days by the hand of a supernatural creator. Viewing life through such a naïve lens is ridiculous: life's color extends beyond black and white, it is not separated into right and wrong, heaven and hell; a mindboggling number of variables has brought our species, our planet to this point in history, and a number of variables results in who and what we become. It is far more complicated than simply applying one's self, which is why capitalism, viewed by some as "the great equalizer," is so barbaric, because it is based on the inevitable conclusion of internal warfare: man will battle man, exploit him and, if necessary, slaughter him, to better himself. It is through this brutal oversimplification of success and failure that the values and concerns of the lower classes are sacrificed.

xx

money tree

So, Thursday night I get a call from an old friend – a friend I'll refer to as RT. I was surprised to find his missed phone call on my cell. Wow, I thought, I haven't heard from RT in a year, maybe two. I call him, and the first 15 minutes of our phone conversation is basically catching up with each other, filling in the missing spaces since we last spoke. Things were good – hearing from an old friend is always good – which is why I had no reason to suspect an ulterior motive to his convo – until he said, "The real reason I called, well, besides to catch up and whatnot, is I wondered if you'd be interested in a business proposition." One thing I need to state: RT is literally the last person I would expect to offer a business proposal; I don't know, I can't really outline the reasons why that's the case… I suppose, up until that point, I'd never considered RT to be business savvy. It simply isn't his style. This point, along with the fact that his unexpected phone call was not without motive, shocked me. He then begins to feed me vague details about the proposition, which, apparently, is some kind of network-marketing scheme. Or something. See, I had difficulty digesting what he was telling me because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was, in one word, bizarre. Wait, I recall thinking, this is RT, and he's proposing some sketchy marketing thing? He then invites me to a seminar at his place, which is a considerable distance from me, in which a DVD will be screened along with a PowerPoint presentation. He continues to tell me vague details about the scheme, his spiel peppered with what are clearly the talking points of the operation. And I'm like, What the fuck? Never mind the fact that my broke ass is struggling to go to school and work part time – I certainly don't have anything that resembles "disposable income." Strange, the whole phone call was strange.

As I was typing this post, I recalled RT recommending that I read a book titled Rich Dad, Poor Dad. So, I just Googled the title, and the second most popular search, besides the title itself, is "rich dad poor dad scam." The Web site, richdad.com, an obvious and official extension of the Robert Kiyosaki book, is operated by CASHFlow Technologies, Inc., for Christ's sake. Now I'm just sad; sad because my initial skepticism was probably correct: RT's network-marketing scheme is a scam, which means a good friend is being conned. I know what you might be thinking: RT is an uneducated, gullible sap whose broke ass is looking for a get-rich-quick scheme. Not the case. Dude graduated from a respectable university and recently purchased a house.

I could be wrong, of course. Perhaps his network marketing proposition isn't a scam, but I like to think my street smarts are pretty sharp, especially when it comes to money-making proposals. I'm going to stay away from this "opportunity."

xx

just made my friday

I just discovered that Phantogram added some dates to their current tour, and the duo will be making a stop in Bloomington at Rachel's Cafe on May 15! Eyelid Movies, the band's debut, is, thus far, the best release of 2010. The album is a wonderful aural concoction of trip-hop, electro, and post-punk. I dare say the album is perfect, but "Mouthful of Diamonds," "When I'm Small," "Bloody Palms," and "Let Me Go" are especially great.

I know where I'll be on May 15 at 8PM. What about you?

xx

sunday night

I had a mostly pleasant weekend until a couple hours ago. I don't know… something happened. I should have known better; much of today burned with a manic glow, and whenever that is the case, the crash is inevitable.

Panda Bear and I looked at a one-bedroom apartment Friday and submitted the security deposit Saturday. We will probably make things official and sign the lease this Friday. PB will be moving in May 1; I'll be joining her when my current lease expires at the end of June. The new apartment is certainly a positive development, but I do have some anxiety about it. Things are good between me and PB, but living together is certainly a huge step forward, and it moves our relationship into a different phase. I don't know… it's strange, because sometimes I feel as though I'm not living my life, it's as if I'm watching someone else experience these things – my evolving relationship with PB, and the winding path of school, ultimately leading to a new and exciting career. Renewed concerns about sister and mom's recent health problems have added to the surreal haze. I have moments in which I don't recognize family and friends as family and friends – I see them as people who exist in an unknown plane of existence. They sometimes feel like strangers. Which they could have been had things happened differently. Strange that our mothers, fathers, siblings and friends are affiliations only by accident.

xx

nirvana

Last night in Oakland, Atoms for Peace (Thom Yorke, Flea, Nigel Godrich, Joey Waronker and Mauro Refosco) closed its show with, OMG, "Love Will Tear Us Apart." I will be scouring the Web in the coming days for a better version. In the meantime...

UPDATE: Easily the best recording on YouTube:

Here's another vid, with slightly better audio:

awesome

Tonight, Bill Maher stopped by Hardball with Chris Mathews. Maher's perspective on the Tea Party-Sarah Palin-Michelle Bachmann clusterfuck was pure gold.

"[Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann] are attractive, especially to the Republican Party, which is not known as the party that does well with the opposite sex. Usually they are doughy white men, and I think they look on Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin as MILFs, and I agree -- they are Morons I’d Like to Forget."

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Also, on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, and J. Elvis Weinstein discussed the Cinematic Titanic live tour. Cinematic Titanic is, essentially, an updated version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, minus Crow, Tom Servo, and the outer space backstory. My first reaction upon seeing J. Elvis Weinstein in this interview: "OMG, he even looks like Tom Servo!"

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

update

Over the weekend I visited mom -- in the hospital. She was readmitted Sunday morning after vomiting blood; I saw her for a couple hours that evening. Apparently, one of the six bands placed in her lower esophagus (used to treat her bleeding esophageal varices) loosened due to a small ulcer, or something -- I can't recall what I was told. Anyway, the band ruptured, which led to new bleeding, which brought her to the hospital. The doctor went in, corrected the issue, and she's been in the hospital since, mainly for observational purposes. I talked to her earlier this evening, and she'll be home tomorrow afternoon -- hopefully, to stay. Thankfully, she has met a new, more competent doctor who will treat her from this point forward. Many frustrating questions remain as to how the previous doc missed her liver-esophagus issue; whatever the case, a biopsy will be done in the coming weeks to ascertain the extent of liver damage, including the possibility of cirrhosis.

In a previous post I mentioned a conversation with sister in which she, after claiming she spoke with a nurse treating mom, said mom experienced alcohol withdrawal syndrome during her first couple of days in the hospital. The following night I spoke to her again, and this time, it wasn't alcohol withdrawal syndrome we had to worry about, it was possible brain damage. Yeah, well, after speaking with mom, stepdad and my aunt, it's unknown from where or whom she got this info -- info that frightened every molecule of my existence.

I hope that some day sister can gather herself and occupy a safe, healthy place in this life; in the meantime, she's a question mark -- a sad, lonely question mark.

xx

twenty-five words

Mom is now resting at home; will visit her sometime this weekend, maybe Monday. I'm relieved and incredibly exhausted. Some quality sleep would be nice.

xx

up

Just got a phone call from mom. She sounded even better than yesterday. No slurring whatsoever, just a slight unsteadiness in some of her words. She said her memory and ability to concentrate have vastly improved from Monday and Tuesday. She may be discharged from the hospital tomorrow; if not, she'll definitely be home Friday.

Understatement of the day: I'm so relieved.

xx

today

Anxiety and a thunderous heart beat limited me to only two hours of sleep last night. I'm exhausted, but today provided a glimpse of hope. Earlier I spoke with mom, and this is what we know:

• She's been upgraded and is no longer in critical care
  
• Her speech and general demeanor on the phone were much improved from our Monday conversation; I cannot state how relieved I was to hear her recognize my voice
  
• Aside from pain meds, she is also receiving a liver cleansing med; this med, apparently, is being blamed for her confusion and slurred speech, NOT brain damage
  
• The extent of her liver damage is still unknown
  

I'm cautiously optimistic about her present situation. I have to be. I can't take much more of this, this being mom's health, sister, and my fragile mental state.

On the edge of delirium (and always prepared for the worst),

xx

question marks

This morning at 10AM I called mom's hospital room, and stepdad answered the phone. He told me she would begin a soft-food diet, and later in the day, she would be moved from critical care to a regular hospital room. He also said that she may be going home tomorrow. I then spoke to mom, and I immediately felt free of guilt for not seeing her – she sounded as if she had just woken from a 100-year sleep and shot a syringe full of methadone. She had difficulty understanding me, and I could barely piece together her slurred words. If I had visited her today, I doubt she would've been coherent enough to acknowledge my presence.

Later, sister calls me to update mom's situation. She obviously hadn't been told that I spoke to mom and stepdad 30 minutes earlier. And this is when things get really fucked up. She claims that the reason mom has been in critical care since Friday morning is because she's been suffering from severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms. She says that mom is delusional, unable to answer a simple math question asked by a doctor: what is 100 – 7? Sister claims mom insisted the answer was 97. Hallucinations have been troubling mom, sister told me. She claimed she saw her attempt to give an invisible hospital form to an invisible nurse. Sister says on Saturday she spoke to a nurse who informed her that that the odd behavior she witnessed was attributable to severe alcohol withdrawal syndrome, and her symptoms should subside in 2-3 days.

---------------------------------------------------------

Just got a call from sister. Now, apparently, mom's behavior is not associated with alcohol withdrawal syndrome but brain damage. I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. My conversation with sister was bizarre. She discussed preparing for an intervention for mom. She then proceeded to tell me she, she being sister, has been sober for "nearly a year." I talked to her for nearly 30 minutes, during which she repeated many things. And then her husband, of whom I don't have much of a relationship, got on the phone and told me sister has been clean, he's been watching her closely, making sure she isn't doing drugs.

I'm so lost right now.

xx

"look at those dead bastards"

I think the following video speaks for itself. Keep in mind that the only reason this atrocity is still being discussed three years later is because two of the victims were Reuters news staff; consequently, Reuters pushed for an investigation into the massacre and unsuccessfully attempted to acquire this footage through the Freedom of Information Act.

How many killings of innocent civilians have escaped the question of accountability?



(The text below is taken from the wikileaks.org site [deemed by the Department of Defense as a "counterintelligence threat"] collateralmurder.com; video below)

Overview

WikiLeaks has released a classified US military video depicting the indiscriminate slaying of over a dozen people in the Iraqi suburb of New Baghdad -- including two Reuters news staff.

Reuters has been trying to obtain the video through the Freedom of Information Act, without success since the time of the attack. The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.

The military did not reveal how the Reuters staff were killed, and stated that they did not know how the children were injured.

After demands by Reuters, the incident was investigated and the U.S. military concluded that the actions of the soldiers were in accordance with the law of armed conflict and its own "Rules of Engagement".

Consequently, WikiLeaks has released the classified Rules of Engagement for 2006, 2007 and 2008, revealing these rules before, during, and after the killings.

WikiLeaks has released both the original 38 minutes video and a shorter version with an initial analysis. Subtitles have been added to both versions from the radio transmissions.

WikiLeaks obtained this video as well as supporting documents from a number of military whistleblowers. WikiLeaks goes to great lengths to verify the authenticity of the information it receives. We have analyzed the information about this incident from a variety of source material. We have spoken to witnesses and journalists directly involved in the incident.

WikiLeaks wants to ensure that all the leaked information it receives gets the attention it deserves. In this particular case, some of the people killed were journalists that were simply doing their jobs: putting their lives at risk in order to report on war. Iraq is a very dangerous place for journalists: from 2003- 2009, 139 journalists were killed while doing their work.

Shortened video


Full video

piece 1

I was already in a bad state before mom's hospitalization. Now things are especially disjointed. I'm experiencing rapidly shifting moods several times an hour. One minute I believe I have a firm foothold on the mind-body existence, and literally minutes later, everything is obliterated and I've no idea who I am. Right now I feel like the freshly blown body of a suicide bomber – my pieces are everywhere and it's chaos chaos chaos. Nothing makes sense.

"Don't forget to breathe."

For the first time in months, maybe years, the urge to cut is tingling my finger tips. I need to penetrate this madness with something defined, a sensation that cannot be ignored, a feeling that cannot be doubted, something that will resonate, something that will stay. Cutting concentrates the weight of the universe into a single slice.

As I type these words I know that later, when these seconds are memory and everything is clear, these words will shame me. But this is my current location. And I'm scared. Lost. People in the clutches of Alzheimer's don't know who they have become, which is a good thing, because if they realized what has become of their memory – the mechanism that forms the structure of their very existence – they would be terrified beyond comprehension. Moments like this I feel like I know just what that terror is.

 

xx

iso a protocol

I wanted to write something beautiful. Something with the flaws subtracted, reduced to invisible fragments of dust that float in the shadows and under the beams of sunlight. Note that I equated "beautiful" with "flawless." Also note that this will be neither beautiful nor flawless; it will simply be. But things are never that simple, are they? We seem to be incapable of untouching that which comes across our frame of existence. We will fuck it up. And if we lack the capabilities to alter its physical existence, we will mangle and distort the idea of its being so that it rests comfortably inside our heads. Over four years ago I wrote that I should "be a faucet. Let the water pour through. I guess this is our purpose on this planet. This rotating mass. Let these things flow, pour. Should I be worried that the water is collecting and the drain is clogged? A faucet isn't concerned with where the water goes or what the water does. But it isn't that easy. No – unless I convince myself otherwise. What if I convince myself that it is easy? Am I lying to myself?"

And now a dilemma: mother is in a hospital 100 miles away, and I feel as though I should be there. To see her. To be with her. Even though she is going to be OK. Even though she will probably be home in two, maybe three days. I need a protocol, some menu of guidelines that can instruct me how to respond to such crises. Years ago when sister began to show cracks, I found myself 100 miles away, pacing floors like a trapped lab rat. I didn't know how to be. I didn't know where to go. All I knew was that my presence or lack thereof wouldn't change anything. Be the faucet. Let the emotions and the reality of the circumstance pump through your body. Let this complication run its course. No control exists. Hands away.

The reason I have stayed away thus far is that my presence cannot alter her situation. Could she, through the haze of Demerol, interpret my absence as a lack of love? Really? In a sea of idealists, the pragmatist is a heretic. So, do I stay 100 miles away and accept the judgment of others, or do I travel two hours northward, hope to penetrate her fog of analgesia and wish her a speedy recovery? In a sea of idealists, the pragmatist is a heretic. I wish there were a protocol for these situations.

xx

american consumerism at its worst (behold holy capitalism)

This morning whilst reading about the iPad's launch and viewing the accompanying photos of consumers waiting for product, I began to channel Tyler Durden.

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't.

update

Just got a phone call from sister about mom. Contrary to what mom told me this morning, she was transported to the hospital via ambulance, not stepdad. Doctors have stopped the internal bleeding (she required two units of blood), but she will remain in critical care overnight for observation. The bleeding was caused by esophageal varices, which resulted from liver damage (I'm assuming it's cirrhosis). Mom does have a nearly 20-year history with alcohol, so the fact that her health has reached this stage doesn't surprise neither me nor sister.

I'll know more tomorrow; if she's going to spend another night in the hospital, I'll probably make a trip to hometown and visit her.

xx

hosp.

Just called my mom and she answered -- from a hospital. Apparently my stepdad took her to the emergency room earlier this morning after she vomited an excessive amount of blood. When I spoke to her she was about to undergo a series of tests. She's supposed to call me back in a few hours.

I think this recent development is a good thing because I thought she was foolish to wait until the 12th to see the same doctor -- the doctor who has been unable, and perhaps unwilling, to exhaust the appropriate methods to reach a diagnosis -- about a condition that has worsened in recent days. More later...

xx