a response (of sorts)

There's no spark / No light in the dark / It gets you down / It gets you down / You've traveled far / What have you found? / That there's no time / There's no time / To analyse / To think things through / To make sense
-Thom Yorke "Analyse"


During the past two days I have pondered D's comments regarding my last post, "three and zero." I've attempted to formulate a coherent response, something that will clarify and adequately express my point of view, my "philosophy."

I can't.

I suppose everyone tries to justify their actions, their thoughts, their very existence. I try but the more I analyze myself the more I lose myself.

"Then stop analyzing yourself and just be."

I can cease the endless self-examination, but I can't escape from myself.

Regardless, I analyze the remnants of my mind, hoping to discover something that will ease this ... this burden. But the pieces are strewn over a vast space. The fragments are like shards of a mirror, but when I look into the slivers I don't see myself in my present state. I see moments, frozen. I see the innocent child I once was ... I see the man I used to be. I ... I recognize the face, but the identity ... the essence ... the self is gone, unrecognizable.

When I visited mother, father, sister and nephew last month, they seemed so distant. Nearly strangers. Mother wore the face of a frayed and fraught woman. There was an unmistakable resentment between sister and father. And nephew's obliviousness was beautiful. While I looked into their eyes I felt as if I had been forgotten ... left behind ... a ghost clinging to a life long since expired.

I don't know ...

(D, I appreciate your comments. You raised some issues that I need to address and I hope to provide a better and more eloquent response in the near future.)

xx

An amazing live performance of "Analyse" by Thom Yorke