31 December 2008

favorite music of 2008

As 2008 comes to a glorious end, I feel compelled to throw my (unimportant) voice into the music blogosphere. Here are some of my favorites from '08:

Lackthereof
Your Anchor

I discovered my favorite album of 2008 accidentally. Whilst window shopping at Landlocked Music a few months ago, I stumbled upon the store's listening station and found Your Anchor by Lackthereof. (Lackthereof is a side project of Menomena's Danny Seim.) As soon as the album's first sounds -- a cymbal shimmering from silence and a voice uttering The new year is the old year again -- trickled into my ears I was hooked. And I can't say why. Upon first listening to Your Anchor, I found nothing spectacularly intriguing about the 10-song album, yet I found myself listening to it repeatedly. On the surface, this could be just another lo-fi indie rock album, but under the surface this record teems with subdued guitars, determined bass lines and ghostly vocals that convey deeply personal, albeit cryptic, feelings. The album concludes with the National cover "Fake Empire." Seim's sparse treatment of the song seems especially apropos in a year that saw the American empire look more like a house of cards.

Seim proves that a musician doesn't have to reinvent the wheel to craft an absorbing album. And in the age of the MacBook musician, it's a wonderful experience to listen to an album that shines because of its beautiful flaws.

Other notable albums from '08:

The Raveonettes
Lust Lust Lust

Originality isn't the Raveonettes forte, but style is, and on Lust Lust Lust, the band perfects their sound.

The Rosebuds
Life Like

A solid indie rock album. Perfect.

The Walkmen
You & Me

You & Me is the finest album of the Walkmen's career. Lead singer Hamilton Leithauser's voice trims this album with chrome. Magnificent.

Top music moment of '08 (and probably my life):

Watching Jeff Mangum perform "Engine" at Rhino's on 22 October 2008.

xx

Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a hopeful and optimistic 2009 -- CHEERS!

pix


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No passengers



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Under the wheel, behind the glass and on the square



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Tron corridor



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Zoom



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I found this photo many months ago. On the back is the handwritten date of January 21, 1961

30 December 2008

no title

It's strange how quickly your life can change. One second you are reminiscing about your first date with Jacob, the love of your life and the man of your dreams, and the next your body is broken and upside down, and you are trapped in the wreckage that used to be Jacob's car -- and Jacob, the man of your dreams and your fiance, is unresponsive in the driver's seat.

Is this happening? Is this really happening?

"Jacob? J-Jacob? Are you... are you OK? Jacob? Jacob! Answer me!"

The disconnection notice on the dining room table.

The milk spoiling inside your dirty refrigerator.

The doctor's appointment on Tuesday at noon.

And now, the blood trickling from the gash in your arm has ruined your lovely flower print dress.

And never mind the broken teeth clattering inside your mouth.

These responsibilities and cosmetic blemishes are trivial when the realization of death splashes across your mind and floods the senses.

Your left leg is throbbing and your arms are two shattered antenna capable of receiving only one signal -- pain. All is quiet but for the high-pitch tone reverberating in your ears.

Am I losing consciousness? Is this death? Are these my final moments? Here? Tonight?

Through the silent pain and confined chaos of this moment a memory you buried long ago is resurrected and reigns inside your mind. For a few fleeting moments you are still, you are at peace. And you remember October 23, 1995. It was a Monday and you were at Community Hospital to visit your ailing grandmother. While you were in that hospital room your grandmother touched your hand (she was too weak to hold your hand) when she spoke to you. The cancer had ravaged most of her mind, so she was prone to nonsensical ramblings, but as she spoke about the Blizzard of '47, something happened. Her eyes focused onto yours. Her face flushed with blood. And she stopped speaking about the snow and power outages. You remember the feelings: everything got quiet and gravity seemed painted with tension. "I'm so grateful you are here, Melissa. Next to me. Here. God has graced me with 93 years, and even though I'm so thankful for every second of every year, I... I'm not ready to go because... well, no one really knows what's on the other side. I just don't want to die alone... I just want someone there... someone by my side when the lights go out." And then she died. Right there. Right in front of your 15-year-old eyes. Her eyes were locked in some eternal gaze that only she could comprehend.

And now, here in this car on this cold January night, you understand. If you have to die, you don't want to exit this world alone.

"Jacob! If you can hear me, make a noise, move, just please do something!"

Nothing.

You attempt to remove your seat belt but it's futile: your wrists are shattered. And you...

You never thought it would end like this. No, not like this. The essence that is life is slowly crawling away from you, out of reach. And death begins its slow march inward, inside this crumpled heap of metal.

Is this happening? Is this really happening?

Your eyes gaze ahead through the cracked windshield. The car's engine is dead but the headlights -- the lights Jacob brought to life -- are burning and Christ, the beams are bright as the sun and the flakes of snow passing through the beams flash and twinkle and you think to yourself

my god, those are the whitest snowflakes I have ever seen, and those floating frozen diamonds trigger a memory and

you forget about death and dying and life and living and that fucking doctor's appointment on Tuesday and this memory is the most vivid thing you have ever experienced and it's happening again in some capsule that's soaring through the darkest corner of the cosmos and you are

there. With Jacob. And you see him and he isn't broken or bleeding and he's holding your mitten-dressed hand and inside those wondrous blue eyes of his you know it: I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this person. And his breath is a mist climbing from his chapped lips, and he tells you

"I love midnights in February. Snow covers the earth and the ice... the ice traps everything and there's something in the air... it's like a void or a vacuum and everything is still and... I want to kiss you, Melissa."

and there, in that park, you two shared a first kiss. The way the moon light illuminated the snow was magical. There, in that field of angels -- there must have been a thousand snow angels birthed from the tiny limbs of a thousand children -- his lips touched yours and his warm breath felt like a moist fire. And it filled your body with a radiance that could have powered a galaxy of stars. Blooming. Exploding. A splinter of feathers marked on your heart.

And you awake. The cracked windshield. The snow. You. Silent Jacob. And the agonizing stillness of the unknown.

"That night, Jacob, the night of our first kiss, in that park with the snow angels, I... I knew I was going to spend the rest of... the rest of my life with... with you."

Your eyes are locked onto something, an eternal secret that only you can understand. And everything in your vision begins to bleed: the whites bleed into the blues and the reds are absorbed by the greens. And you can hear a sound: someone or something is screaming. The sound soars over the frosted hills and cuts through those bare, cruel trees of January. Perhaps it's an ambulance's siren racing to your rescue. Or maybe it's your grandmother calling your name,

because no one wants to be alone

when the lights go out.

xx

26 December 2008

fog

Today Bloomington was blanketed by a dense fog, while another fog continued its slow dissipation (I am doing much better since my last post).

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3PM - Day after Christmas at the downtown bus terminal


xx

23 December 2008

deja vu

The darkness has returned. It has been with me for about a week and I cannot explain its presence except to surmise that the medication, which I have been taking for four weeks, is not working as it should. My girlfriend, who knew me when I first encountered Topamax a couple years ago, believes the drug amplifies certain symptoms (most notably, irritability) instead of diminishing them. I certainly cannot dismiss this possibility, especially after the previous week.

Any change of my current treatment will first require a change of doctor. My current "psychiatrist" is a quack. I will not mention specifics relating to this claim, but as an individual who has a history within the psychiatric field (and who has had numerous discussions with others of similar background), you develop a sixth sense for docs who care and those who simply wish to shove a prescription in your pocket and send you on your way.

Regardless of my feelings toward Topamax, I will continue taking it until I can find a different psychiatrist. I'm not looking forward to this pursuit; it can be draining (both psychically and mentally, especially when I'm in a depressive state) and very discouraging...

I just want some semblance of normalcy in my life. I feel so alone at this moment, and it is during these instances that I realize how important friends and family are. I feel so ashamed for my expressions of selfishness and arrogance. That's not me...

xx

14 December 2008

fare thee well

Bush makes one final visit to Baghdad, dodges two shoes

President Bush flew to Iraq on Sunday, his fourth and final trip to highlight the recently completed security agreement between the United States and the country that occupied the bulk of his presidency and will undoubtedly define his legacy.

But his appearance at a news conference was interrupted when a journalist leapt to his feet, shouted "This is a goodbye kiss, you dog!" and threw one shoe at the president, who ducked and narrowly missed being struck. Chaos ensued. He threw a second shoe, which also narrowly missed W.

Video:

moving pictures i missed

Here are a few films from '08 that I missed. (Most of these are independent films and therefore opened at select theaters across the country, except The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which opens everywhere on 25 December.)

Synecdoche, New York
Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut. 'Nough said.
Director: Charlie Kaufman
Writer: Charlie Kaufman
Rotten Tomatoes: 63%


Slumdog Millionaire
If Danny Boyle's name is on the picture, it's certainly worth a couple hours of my time.
Director: Danny Boyle
Writers: Simon Beaufoy (screenplay) and Vikas Swarup (novel)
Rotten Tomatoes: 93%


My Winnipeg
A blurb about this film in Time magazine intrigued me.
Director: Guy Maddin
Writer: Guy Maddin and George Toles
Rotten Tomatoes: 94%


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Director: David Fincher
Writers: Eric Roth (screenplay and screen story) and Robin Swicord (screen story)
Rotten Tomatoes: 91%


4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
Synopsis: During the final days of communism in Romania, two college roommates Otilia and Gabita are busy preparing for a night away. But rather than planning for a holiday, they are making arrangements for Gabita's illegal abortion and unwittingly, both find themselves burrowing deep down a rabbit hole of unexpected revelations.
Director: Cristian Mungiu
Writer: Cristian Mungiu
Rotten Tomatoes: 97%


Gran Torino
I've been told that this hokey trailer doesn't do director Eastwood's Gran Torino justice.
Director: Clint Eastwood
Writers: Nick Schenk (screenplay) and Dave Johannson (story)
Rotten Tomatoes: 81%

13 December 2008

which is worse

I don't know which is worse: Rod Blagojevich's brazen abuse of power as governor of Illinois, or this 2002 "Blagojevich for Governor" radio ad (and yes, this ad was actually used by his campaign).



Unlike President-elect Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat, this ad is priceless.

xx

11 December 2008

dollars and disparities

The front page of today's Indiana Daily Student (the student-operated newspaper that serves the Indiana University Bloomington campus) featured the headline "Ivy Tech enrollment surpasses IU."

According to numbers released by the Indiana Commission for Higher Education, Ivy Tech Community College enrolled 120,447 students for the 2007-08 academic year, making it the largest public post-secondary school in Indiana. IU enrolled 118,952 students for the 2007-08 academic year.

Excerpts from Lindsey Erdody's article:

IU spokesman Larry MacIntyre explained that there are a few reasons why this happened.
One explanation is IU has been working closely with Ivy Tech over the past few years to make transferring credits easier.
“I think a number of students intended to take advantage of that,” MacIntyre said.
By making this connection with Ivy Tech, IU is now more desirable, MacIntyre said...

Another explanation is IU has recently dropped certain two-year associate degree programs. Now students seeking those degrees have chosen to attend Ivy Tech.

University spokesman aside, the article failed to mention the startling numbers (which provide better answers as to why more students are choosing community college) contained in the biennial report from the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education, "Measuring Up 2008." Fewer students -- and their parents -- are finding traditional four-year universities a viable option for post-secondary education because it simply isn't affordable. The growing disparity between median family income and college tuition is alarming, and as this country grapples with a harrowing economic crisis, don't expect that gap to narrow anytime soon.

I've included some key figures from the report below:

  • Published college tuition and fees increased 439 percent from 1982 to 2007 while median family income rose 147 percent
  • Student borrowing has more than doubled in the last decade, and students from lower-income families, on average, get smaller grants from the colleges they attend than students from more affluent families
  • Among the poorest families — those with incomes in the lowest 20 percent — the net cost of a year at a public university was 55 percent of median income, up from 39 percent in 1999-2000

Patrick M. Callan, president of the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education (which is a nonpartisan organization that promotes access to higher education), encapsulated the study with the simple yet alarming observation, "If we go on this way for another 25 years, we won’t have an affordable system of higher education."

xx

09 December 2008

clear it

Last night I attended a nursing information session at the _____ campus. The session, which was hosted by the Health Sciences Coordinator, is a mandatory component of the Associate of Science in Nursing program at the school. Many things were discussed, including various prerequisites (from college courses to vaccinations), deadlines, fees and state certifications.

During the PowerPoint presentation, I found myself scribbling notes in my notebook and thinking, Jesus, this is a lot of information... I know I can do this, but how?

It has been over ten years since I have received any kind of formal education (I graduated high school in 1997), and despite the fact that I will be taking two of my three classes online, I am feeling overwhelmed about the upcoming Spring semester (which begins 12 January 2009).

I tend to allow the totality of my circumstance (occasionally it is not my actual circumstance, but my future and/or potential circumstance) consume me; my senses are flooded and I cower in the shadows of even the simplest of problems because I cannot place d after c. Why? Because the sum total of my problem, challenge, etc. distorts every letter of the alphabet. If I could simply find my feet, my perspective, my chi, then I would be able to begin with a. Clear it. Move on to b. Clear it. Then c. Now d. And so on. But I become so easily discouraged that I sometimes feel it is better (it is actually only easier) to give up, collect my toys and go home. I have very little self-confidence. But with each accomplishment -- no matter how minor -- a spark of momentum flashes.

I am very fortunate to have L in my life. She has brought many things to light and, in doing so, has opened a world of possibilities. I cannot say where I would be if it were not for her love and encouragement. And I know that reads like some dreadful cliche, but it is so very true.

Thank you, L. =)

xx

07 December 2008

bleak news for a cold sunday

Bloomberg News reports that the massive job losses in the U.S. last month signal the country may be headed towards its worst recession since World War II:

Employers cut payrolls last month at the fastest pace in 34 years as the unemployment rate rose to 6.7 percent, the highest level since 1993. The 533,000 drop brought cumulative job losses this year to 1.91 million, the Labor Department said yesterday in Washington...

At 12 months, the recession is already the longest since the 16-month slump that ended in November 1982. The recession is the 11th since a downturn that occurred in 1945, the year that World War II ended.

To fight the downturn, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke this week outlined unorthodox policy action that officials can take beyond lowering interest rates. One option would be to purchase longer-term Treasuries on the open market to inject more cash into the financial system.

The central bank may also cut its benchmark rate from 1 percent at its meeting Dec. 15-16 in Washington. HSBC Holdings Inc. economists yesterday forecast the Fed will reduce it to zero, emulating the Bank of Japan's efforts to defeat deflation earlier this decade.

Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich is even more pessimistic. Reich asks if we should simply call this country's current situation a Depression:

Today's employment report, showing that employers cut 533,000 jobs in November, 320,000 in October, and 403,000 in September -- for a total of over 1.2 million over the last three months -- begs the question of whether the meltdown we're experiencing should be called a Depression.

We are falling off a cliff. To put these numbers into some perspective, the November losses alone are the worst in 34 years. A significant percentage of Americans are now jobless or underemployed -- far higher than the official rate of 6.7 percent. Simply in order to keep up with population growth, employment needs to increase by 125,000 jobs per month.

Note also that the length of the typical workweek dropped to 33.5 hours. That's the shortest number of hours since the Department of Labor began keeping records on hours worked, back in 1964. A significant number of people are working part-time who'd rather be working full time...

When FDR took office in 1933, one out of four American workers was jobless. We're not there yet, but we're trending in that direction.

And then there's this:

"You got bailed out, we got sold out"
Angry laid-off workers occupy factory in Chicago

By RUPA SHENOY

CHICAGO (AP) — Workers who got three days' notice that their factory was shutting its doors have occupied the building and say they won't go home without assurances they'll get severance and vacation pay.

About 250 union workers occupied the Republic Windows and Doors plant in shifts Saturday while union leaders outside criticized a Wall Street bailout they say is leaving laborers behind.

Leah Fried, an organizer with the United Electrical Workers, said the Chicago-based vinyl window manufacturer failed to give 60 days' notice required by law before shutting down.

During the two-day peaceful takeover, workers have been shoveling snow and cleaning the building, Fried said.

"We're doing something we haven't done since the 1930s, so we're trying to make it work," she said, referring to a tactic most famously used in 1936-37 by General Motors factory workers in Flint, Mich., to help unionize the U.S. auto industry.

Fried said the company can't pay its 300 employees because its creditor, Charlotte, N.C.-based Bank of America, won't let them. Crain's Chicago Business reported that Republic Windows' monthly sales had fallen to $2.9 million from $4 million during the past month. In a memo to the union, obtained by the business journal, Republic CEO Rich Gillman said the company had "no choice but to shut our doors."

Bank of America received $25 billion from the government's financial bailout package. The company said in a statement Saturday that it isn't responsible for Republic's financial obligations to its employees.

"Across cultures, religions, union and nonunion, we all say this bailout was a shame," said Richard Berg, president of Teamsters Local 743. "If this bailout should go to anything, it should go to the workers of this country."

Outside the plant, protesters wore stickers and carried signs that said, "You got bailed out, we got sold out."

03 December 2008

compliment

The following words were spoken to me by my final passenger of the evening:

"I don't know if anyone has told you this before, but you are really good at what you do. You accelerate and brake smoothly, and [your passengers] really appreciate it. Thanks."

Have you thanked your bus driver recently?

xx

01 December 2008

today

Today I registered for classes for the upcoming spring semester, which begins 12 January 2009. I'm taking nine credit hours and I'll be working 35-40 hours per week; while this may be a busy schedule, I eagerly anticipate ending the status quo of pissing away countless hours and accomplishing nothing, and, instead, working toward something meaningful.

I must admit, however, that as my name and personal information entered another bureaucratic institution of numbers and protocols, that painful twinge of regret throbbed within me. Why? Why did you throw away an entire decade of your life? Ten years... gone. And very little to show for it.

For over half my life I have been my worst enemy, and I expect this story to continue as I enter the next phase of my life. Case in point: today marks one week since I began the bipolar medication, and I would be lying if I said I had not thought about tossing the pills and simply giving up on this illness, school -- everything. But I can't. I must maintain contact with my support system. I must maintain faith in myself -- and in others.

And I could go on, but I don't wish to wash this post in cliche emo musings so I'll end it



here.

xx

(I'm OK, people. Really.)

For a minute there / I lost myself, I lost myself